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Bumper Snickers pt. 1
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Assassins do it from behind.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Continued below...
Sauerkraut
A doctor started an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount on money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out her pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she ...Read more
If The Earth Were a Small Village
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be:
* 57 Asians
* 21 Europeans
* 14 from the Western Hemisphere,
* 8 Africans,
* 52 would be female
* 48 would be male
* 70 would be ...Read more
Pentagon Incentive
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to ...Read more
Lawyer Joke
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. ...Read more

27 Times Penny Said What We Were All Thinking
Every friend group needs a Penny.

SAG Awards: Stars DRINK If They've Been on Law & Order
Timothée Chalamet, Zoe Saldaña and more 'Law & Order' alums get recognized at the 31st Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, streaming on Netflix. Two of the night's presenters, Keke Palmer and Colman Domingo, celebrate their own history with the long-running crime series with a drinking game for the star-studded ballroom.

Timothy Olyphant's Mom Can't Tell Him & Josh Duhamel Apart - CONAN on TBS
In fact, Timothy once had Josh Duhamel stand in for him in the Olyphant's Christmas card.

Sarah Sherman Reflects on Failed SNL Sketches with Timothée Chalamet and Paul Rudd
Sarah Sherman talks about opening for Adam Sandler, telling Paul McCartney she has the same haircut as him during SNL's 50th anniversary special and the insane underwater photoshoot she did for her HBO comedy special SARAH SQUIRM: LIVE + IN THE FLESH.

If Hogwarts Were an Inner-City School - Key & Peele
An HBO documentary dives deep into the deplorable conditions at Vincent Clortho Public School for Wizards.
Bumper Snickers pt. 3
... continued from above
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Continued below...
Bumper Snickers pt. 1
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Continued below...
What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(...Read more
He's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class.
The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing."
Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
"Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.
Presidential Quotes
"If Lincoln were alive today he'd roll over in his grave." --Gerald Ford (president, 1974-77)
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"A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a while ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist." --Ronald Reagan
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"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job." --George Bush

Guillermo Steals Ryan Reynolds’ Job - Sponsored by Mint Mobile
Ryan Reynolds is a very busy man who can’t be everywhere at once. So fortunately we have a brand new Mint Mobile spokesman to pick up the slack.

Conan O'Brien On Becoming A Dramatic Actor, And His Chilling Warning For Other Late Night Show Hosts
EXTENDED INTERVIEW: Late night legend Conan O'Brien sits down with Stephen Colbert for a wide-ranging discussion about his comedy career, his love for his parents, his warning for late night talk show hosts, and his first foray into dramatic acting. Watch Conan make his feature film debut in "If I Had Legs I'd Kick You," in select theaters ...Read more

Hegseth Lectures "Fat Generals" and Trump Threatens War Against U.S. Cities | The Daily Show
Ronny Chieng recaps Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump's sudden gathering of top military leaders, where the president announced his intention to use Democrat-run cities as training grounds for the National Guard, and where Secretary of War Pete Hegseth fat-shamed troops, hawked his book, and made cringey jokes.

Matt Berry reads a letter from South Park creators to the MPAA
Prior to the release of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut in 1999, the movie's creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, were asked repeatedly by the MPAA to alter the film in order for it to gain an R rating rather than an NC-17. Matt Stone responded to this request with this memo.

Colin Firth On Being A Sex Symbol | The Jonathan Ross Show
Colin Firth on being a sex symbol, speaking Italian, and how one “N” can turn spicy pasta into an angry bowl of penises.