I may be barking up the wrong tree, but as a human who has been owned by several canines, I am in a good position — standing, running or being yanked in several directions at once — to pass along my expert tips on walking a dog.

Tip No. 1: You do not walk a dog. The dog walks you.

I have been reintroduced to this pet project since Opal, a sweet yet frenetic Chihuahua pup, was adopted by my younger daughter and her family, which includes her husband and their daughters, ages 12 and 8, who are older than Opal in dog years and not nearly as active.

Unlike most people, including yours truly, dogs love to get exercise. And they are smart enough not to do it at a gym, which costs money the dogs don’t have.

That’s why dogs keep in shape by running crazily around the house or going for walks outside. Both require the participation of humans, who over the past several centuries have been domesticated to the point where they are, as far as interspecies relationships are concerned, a dog’s best friend.

Like my previous dogs — Daisy from boyhood, Lizzie from fatherhood and Maggie from grandfatherhood — Opal has GPS: Global Pooch System. This directs her to wherever she wants to go, including places where she, yes, wants to go.

Tip No. 2: When a dog does its business, a human must stand at one end of the leash and pretend not to notice what is happening at the other end.

This is a very important rule because you don’t want to embarrass the dog, who couldn’t care less but lets you think your unwanted attention is somehow interfering with the expulsion of whatever was ingested — treats, rocks, grass, another dog’s droppings — earlier in the day.

Tip No. 3: Always carry a doggy bag. Not the kind you get from a restaurant, silly human, but one specifically designed to help you pick up after your pooch.

Ideally, these slippery plastic bags should be as agonizingly difficult to open as those found in grocery stores. Compounding the problem is that your dog, having finished fertilizing a neighbor’s lawn, will try to pull you down the road while you are fumbling futilely with the pungent deposit.

“Woof woof!” the dog will bark. (Translation: “Hurry up!”)

“Just a minute!” you will invariably reply. (Translation: Can’t be printed in a family newspaper.)

Tip No. 4: Be prepared to stop and smell the flowers.

You have already smelled something much worse, so why not nature’s beauties? That’s what your dog believes. If he or she is not familiar with a neighborhood, the dog will stop approximately every eight feet to sniff bushes, eat grass or otherwise learn the lay of the land.

When Opal visited our house recently, my wife and I took her for a walk with her human sisters, also known as our granddaughters. I was the walker and soon found myself hopelessly behind the others while Opal inspected virtually every square inch of a five-block area.

The entire Super Bowl broadcast didn’t take as long.

Tip No. 5: Be prepared to sprint and suffer permanent injuries.

If a dog is on its home turf, he or she will already have stopped a million times on previous walks and will want to race you in a 100-yard dash. This will result in: (a) the dislocation of your shoulder, (b) myocardial infarction or (c) a face-plant with gravel up your nose.

On a recent visit to Opal’s house, we went for a walk with the girls, one of whom rode her bike and the other who rode her scooter. Lacking opposable thumbs and long enough legs for pedaling, Opal ran hither and yon, attorneys at law, while I tried to keep up without running headlong into a tree, a stop sign or an oncoming vehicle.

So there you have it, fellow humans. I hope these tips will help you enjoy your walks because neither rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night will keep your dog from its appointed rounds.

As Opal would say if she could talk, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

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