ArcaMax

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."

Turning to the third gent, the first ...Read more

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a ...Read more

Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller?

He wanted to grow mashed potatoes!

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?

Student: The wrong answer.

Whenever I go to the supermarket, I have a big decision to make. It has nothing to do with which cereal to buy or what to make for dinner. It's not figuring out the math so I know whether to get 4 = 8 or 6 = 15 rolls of paper towels. It's all about which checkout to use: cashier or self-checkout.

On the plus side for the self-checkout, the ...Read more

... continued from above

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A guy, out hunting in Alaska, accidentally shoots a polar bear. Realising his mistake, he reports the incident to the local ranger.

A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.

“As you ...Read more

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ...Read more