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Politics Defined
One evening a small boy comes home confused and concerned. His father enquires as to his problem, where upon the boy looks up to his father, and very matter-of-factly asks "What's politics, Dad?"
"Well you see it is like this son; your mother, she is like the government, she controls everything. You have to do what you are told and have ...Read more
Useful Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After ...Read more
Rip Van Doesn't Sleep a Winkle
There was a time when I was a world-class sleeper. I would go to bed at midnight and wouldn't emerge from my darkened cave until noon the next day. Alarms couldn't wake me up. Firetrucks couldn't wake me up. If there were an Olympic event for sleeping, I would have won the gold. I am sleep woman. Hear me snore.
That was all, of course, before I...Read more
Have You Heard of This New Invention Called Cash?
Trying to keep up with the pace of innovation these days feels fruitless. Recent concerns range from "will a sentient hologram steal my job?" to "are digital fashion influencers laughing at my ankle socks?" I do not know either answer.
What I do know is that I've decided to stop worrying so much. Evidence is mounting that society will adjust ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Crabbing about grass
I have often told my wife that I’m like crabgrass: She can’t get rid of me. Now that we have real crabgrass on our lawn, I’m trying to get rid of it.
The problem, according to Vinny, our turf guru, is that I am not spreading fertilizer.
“I’ve been spreading it for years,” I told him.
“I know that,” Vinny said. “But you haven...Read more
Let Them Eat Cake
If I'd had any choice in the matter, I certainly wouldn't have planned to have two kids' and my husband's birthdays only weeks apart. The first two just kind of worked out that way. The third was completely out of my control.
The problem with all these occasions has nothing to do with gifts or parties.
It's about the cake. Or, more ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: What's the bad word?
As a man of many words, not all of which can be used in a family newspaper, I am delighted to announce that our special guest today is Prof. Ludwig Lingo, the noted linguistics expert and an ardent fighter of crimes against the English language.
JZ: Welcome, Prof. Lingo. What’s the good word?
LL: Beer.
JZ: What’s the bad word?
LL: Iconic...Read more
A Short Person Ponders the Leg-Lengthening Industry
When I was 16 and applying for my driver's license, I had to provide my height. No one was behind me with a measuring tape, so I slipped an extra inch onto the form, cementing my official frame at 5-foot-1. That inch, even just on paper, pushed me closer to Jennifer Aniston's height of 5 feet, 6 inches, a factoid I'd read in my mom's "People" ...Read more
I Got Your Goose
When we lived in the suburbs, my dog had a squirrel obsession.
He would routinely sit by the deck door watching the backyard for squirrels like a guard at Buckingham Palace. Neither sleep nor hunger nor the sound of a killer Roomba approaching would tear him from his post, unless, of course, he heard the sound of food accidentally dropping on...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Bowled over
Something fishy is going on in my family. And it involves, for approximately the hundredth time, a dead fish.
The latest fine finny friend to go belly-up was Igor, a blue boy betta who belonged to two of my granddaughters, which made him, I guess, my grandfish.
But not to worry: There’s a replacement Igor swimming in the tiny bowl on the ...Read more
Are These Lawmakers or Teens Who Love Fart Jokes?
Hey, this is just a quick reminder about how dumb things have gotten.
In what way? Well, take your pick. Today let's zoom in on Florida's bobo version of DOGE through which officials are auditing the state's counties and cities with a fine-tooth comb. You know, a small government, laissez-faire activity.
Florida's Chief Financial Officer ...Read more
Getting Under My Skin
"What do you think this is?" my husband, pointing to his elbow, asked me.
"That's your elbow," I stated matter-of-factly.
"No, these red spots," he responded.
"Those are red spots," I replied.
He sighed. "I know they're red spots. What do you think they're from?"
I took a closer look at the constellation of red bumps on his forearm just ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Look who's walking
I’m the very model of the modern marching man. And I am determined to put one foot in front of the other until I walk headlong into a wall.
But I can’t say the same for the vast majority of walkers who don’t seem to know where they are going, usually while wandering aimlessly in front of me.
That is why I think people should be given ...Read more
An Exclusive Interview With Louis Pasteur
Thank you so much for sitting down with me today, famed French microbiologist Louis Pasteur.
Oui. What is zees about? I am dead.
Yes, I know. I appreciate you making time in your, uh, schedule. The thing is, we are living in strange times here above the ground, and it's important to go straight to the source for ...Read more
I'm All Pumped Up
This time last year, I struggled with my New Year's resolution to go to the gym.
This year I have made significant progress. I am going to the gym on a semiregular basis. And by "semiregular," I mean that I go often enough that I actually remember where it's located between visits.
The bad news, however, is that my workouts are just -- how ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Between a rock and a good place
With apologies to Mick Jagger, my kidneys have produced more rolling stones than he’s ever had. That’s why I got satisfaction from a radiology report showing that my career as a rock star could mercifully be over.
On orders from my urologist, who must feel like a miner because he has excavated more than half a dozen stones from my kidneys ...Read more
Easy Trader Joe's Recipes for Your News Cycle Anxiety
It's another bustling week in these United States. I've taken the liberty of rounding up quick, easy recipe ideas to soften the grind of work, kids, bills and the unremitting despair of cognitive dissonance in the face of a 24-hour news cycle. Besides, everyone loves Trader Joe's!
Shaved steak and noodles: Combine thin-sliced beef with Thai ...Read more
Kiss and Make Up
I was in mid-eyelash when I heard a knock on the door.
"Can I use the bathroom?" my husband asked through the door.
"No." I replied.
"No?"
"No."
"Why?" he wondered aloud.
"I'm putting on my mascara, and I'm mid-eyelash. You can't interrupt me in the middle of the process."
"Why?"
"It'll mess the whole thing up. The mascara will dry, ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: How to pack for a trip
I’m a guy who likes to travel the world. Unfortunately, I can do so only if I sit in front of the TV and watch celebrities like Stanley Tucci eat and drink their way through Italy and other exotic lands while the most thrilling places I visit are Home Depot and Costco.
And they don’t even have postcards.
Still, I have been on enough car ...Read more
Hulk Hogan and the Complicated Legacy of a Florida Man
What do we do with our messy heroes? When they leave this earth, should we muddy the flow of praise by pointing out the asterisks? Must we cement their memory upon their most pernicious moments? Can we allow room for nuance?
The question of Hulk Hogan's legacy finds a fitting home in Florida, full of people reckoning with misdeeds. Here at ...Read more
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