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You may have heard that a new president will be inaugurated on Monday.

By Donald Trump's side, reportedly, will be the billionaire Founding Fathers of our exciting oligarchy. This includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg, who has rebranded by cutting baby bangs and wearing chains last seen on a Zales truck. As part of this macho makeover, which includes a rejection of fact-checking and a green light for hate speech, the Meta overlord declared that businesses in America should return to a more "masculine" energy.

"I think a lot of the corporate world is pretty culturally neutered," Zuck told fellow noted Caucasian man Joe Rogan. "Masculine energy is good, and obviously, society has plenty of that, but I think corporate culture was really trying to get away from it. I think having a culture that celebrates the aggression a bit more has its own merits that are really positive."

So true. Men have been ignored for too long. As the nation writes this next chapter, it is crucial to refocus our attention on them. After all, we have been allowed to have credit cards in our own names since, what, 1974? And women run a whole 10% of Fortune 500 companies. What are we even whining about?

This will be a pivotal era for women, who may or may not be fit for military combat service, haha. Trump's would-be cabinet contains more women than his last one, which is real progress. He even chose Pam Bondi for the role of attorney general, bestowing the nomination on a woman with relevant experience only after the Florida Man he picked first turned out to be the antagonist in a 1986 college gross-out movie called something like "BURGER FLAPS."

Girly pops! This is our last weekend to be all b*^%$#, OK?

Come Monday, we should defer to men in the workplace, letting their aggressive energy rule the country's cubicles. Please, do not annoy the C-suite with demands to exist. For too long, women have been paid and promoted the same as male counterparts, free of casual watercooler comments about the zippers on the back of our dresses, emboldened to delete the phrases "just checking in!" and "no worries!" from emails.

Take time in the mirror. Practice giggling when Bob says, "Don't get your panties in a twist." Clear all thoughts from your head -- yes, it should feel like dying, you're doing it right -- and expand your masseters. This creates the appearance of a smile. Your boss will thank you, especially since he wrote in your review that sometimes you "scowl" in meetings.

What about Gary, who repeats your ideas as if he thought of them? Does he get paid more for no discernable reason? Well, there's no need to stress, not in 2025. With fewer equity programs and labor unions to ensure everyone has a chance to prosper, you'll never know. Think of the freedom that comes from slipping into a Lisa Frank poster of unicorns. Ride rainbow star down glitter mountain and just chill, babycakes. The men have it under control.

You know, there was a time that a female executive from Facebook, yes, that Facebook, wrote a book that encouraged women to lean in at work. That was 2013, when the pilgrims landed.

Besties, shred those pages to line your flower beds. We're restoring the balance of the sexes, flirting against our will, spicing up the ethics reports, keeping our bunions sharp in stilettos. We're deneutering men so they may build spaceships without the input of anyone who may be mentally deranged from menstruation. Then we're boarding those spaceships and getting out of here.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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Copyright 2025 Creators Syndicate Inc.