ArcaMax

Hey, you look a little listless, wan from the drudgeries of dry land. With temperatures heating up and school sprinting to a close, maybe you're contemplating travel. A cruise?

Picture it: Sunshine, SPF, tropical bevvies, over-the-counter antidiarrheal medications, conga lines...

Hmm? Well, my favorite would have to be a classic pina colada. Oh, the stomach stuff. Yeah, no biggie, but if you're hitting the high seas soon, consider filling up a fake shampoo bottle with Imodium and Pepto. Conditions could be right for crackers and clear broth to pair with your sexy bikini. Skin-nay!

Let's get one thing straight. We will not be making poop deck jokes today. But you should know that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has documented a dozen outbreaks of gastrointestinal viruses on ships so far in 2025 compared to 18 all last year. Ten of those ships docked in or left from Florida, unleashing flip-floppers with flop sweats into the Sunshine State. Last week, a Seabourn ship pulled up in Miami with 35 norovirus cases. State wastewater samples are showing high levels of the virus adorably called the "winter vomiting disease."

We are not about to say ____ happens. But illness is a risk of any group reverie in a close space. Good thing the country maintains a program designed to sanitize vessels, monitor food safety, identify the source and distribution of outbreaks and spread awareness of threats. It is called the CDC's Vessel Sanitation Program.

Hmm? I would say a rum runner is a close second, but they will sneak up on you when starfished on a lounger. Oh... oh, right. All full-time employees in the Vessel Sanitation Program were cut. It's part of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and the Trump administration's attempts to Make America Hug the Toilet Again. Per CBS, the cuts included the program's head epidemiologist. This move shifts the work of managing gastrointestinal woes to a group of public health officers approximately the size of a Korean boy band.

But, you know, at least the move saves taxpayer dollars. Come again? Well, there are two schools of thought on how to make a margarita. Ah, sorry, sorry. The program is paid for by fees from private cruise companies, not taxes, so this doesn't make sense at all. And you have to use fresh lime. Margarita mix is criminal.

Cue the steel drums anyway because cruises have bounced back from COVID-19. Florida welcomed a record number of passengers lining up to beer bong a Corona in 2024, and industry folks expect 19 million Americans to cruise this year.

Fresh Ozian wonderlands are entering the bustling business as we speak. Consider the new Miami-based MSC World America ship with 22 decks and a shopping mall, virtual reality waterslides and craft gin cocktails "expertly prepared by gin-tenders." Gin-tenders would never overserve you blue curacao! The launch dovetails with MSC's mammoth new terminal at PortMiami, a four-level building that can welcome 36,000 passengers per day.

In summary: What could go wrong?

We've learned a lot here today. Namely that some so-called leaders in the current administration have never stood over a crusty buffet chafer of reheated crab quesadillas, and it shows. Some of you have never carried a bottle of SKYY vodka around a ship like a fussy baby, and it shows. Some of you have never accidentally bit into the cheeseburger belonging to Phil from Peoria because it was on a shared deck table, and you were three jungle juices in by noon, and you were distracted because your friends were being kind of a pill after formal night, and it shows. Some of you have never had to skip a shore excursion to ride a bus around the Bahamas because you started to burp during "Mambo No. 5," and it only went downhill from there, and it shows. Some of you don't actually care about keeping the public healthy, and it shows.

What's that? Oh, yes, thanks for asking. Ginger ale, Gatorade, small sips of water. Alcohol will only dehydrate you more. Get some rest.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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