ArcaMax

"Hello, hello," I said when I saw my husband's number come up on my phone.

Nothing.

"Hellllloooooooooo?" I said louder.

"Can I have a tall decaf skim mocha Frappuccino?" I heard my husband say. It sounded like he wasn't talking directly into his phone but rather from a galaxy far, far away.

"HELLLLOOOOOO!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. ...Read more

Back in my early days of suburbia, I received one or two catalogs in the mail, and that was about it. However, catalogs, I soon learned, are like rabbits: They tend to multiply if left unattended. At first I looked forward to the occasional Pottery Barn and Williams-Sonoma catalogs. Not that I was buying, because we were young and house poor. ...Read more

Being the deep, substantial person that I am, I was kind of hoping that following my knee replacement surgery, my at-home physical therapist would resemble someone like Jason Momoa. Unfortunately, it seemed all the buff therapists had already been assigned, because I ended up with one who looked more like Ant-Man than Aquaman.

Still, I didn't...Read more

"I think it's time we retired this oven," I said to my husband as I displayed a sheet of blackened sweet potato fries. "Even the dog won't eat these."

"Sure he will," he said, tossing some fries on the floor. The dog immediately sucked them down.

"Not my point," I said.

We had known our oven was on its last burners for quite some time. But ...Read more

It was one of those days where everything was taking a ridiculously long time. There was a line at the dry cleaners. A line at the supermarket. A line at the gas station. I was starting to think that everyone in the world had the same to-do list that I did; they were just one to-do ahead of me the whole day.

I finally made it to the last ...Read more

When it comes to air travel, I'm certainly no stranger to flight delays. On a trip last summer, our return flight was delayed 36 hours. Strangely enough, this was also approximately the same amount of time I had been in labor with my son. The difference was at the end of my labor, I got a beautiful child, whereas at the end of the flight delay...Read more

I wouldn't say I'm nose blind to the smell of my dog, but typically, I don't realize he needs a bath until the board of health shows up and condemns the dog, his bed and our house.

My husband will usually smell him before I do. Maybe it's because he's out of the house all day, and when he walks in the door, the smell hits him like a ...Read more

There are a lot of things my husband does well. Shopping, however, is not his forte. This I learned after I sent him to the drugstore to get me some Anbesol for my canker sore, and he came home with Anusol, a product for hemorrhoids.

"It was an honest mistake," he admitted.

"Yes, I can see how you might have been confused," I said. "One ...Read more

As the chief domestic officer of our family, I'm usually pretty fastidious about the cleanliness of my home. But every once in a while, something escapes my attention, and then, before I know it, we have a disturbing situation on our hands.

Such is the case with my refrigerator.

"Something in the fridge has gone bad," said my husband, ...Read more

If this were a game of Clue, I knew who the victim was, where it died, and what killed it.

The Roomba was dead. In the den. With a shag carpet.

But the question was, who done it?

When I arrived home that day at 12:41 p.m., the familiar whooshing of the Roomba, set to vacuum at 12:30 p.m. each day, was suspiciously absent. I scoured the ...Read more

I always keep a dozen reusable grocery bags in my car so I don't have to buy one when I go shopping. Naturally, I would always forget to take some in, and then mid-checkout, I'd have to make a mad dash to my car to get my bags while a line of annoyed shoppers formed behind me. I thought it was OK for them to wait five minutes while I saved the...Read more

There wasn't a full moon. I didn't walk under a ladder or break a mirror. No black cats crossed my path. Yet it was undeniably one of those days when I felt cursed. It started with the demise of my coffee maker, followed by the nervous breakdown of my washing machine, and an unfriendly letter calling me for jury duty. I blatantly ignored all ...Read more

When we got the last-minute invite to a Christmas party at someone's house, I didn't realize I had a problem until I was waiting for the elevator to take us up.

"Oh no! I don't have a gift," I said to my husband.

"What?" he replied.

"I don't have a gift," I repeated. "I don't have a hostess gift. We've never been to this woman's apartment ...Read more