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Dear Eric: I work at a small bank with nine coworkers, including myself. We have a dilemma going on in the office. The president and his assistant are sleeping together. They were caught on video after hours in the office. They also rush a few of us out of the office at the end of the day and stay back to do who knows what.

They have been confronted by one coworker to stop doing their mess in the office and that everyone, with the exception of one person who was just hired, knows what they’re doing. They also take multi-hour lunch breaks every day.

The problem is the other coworkers are salaried, with the exception of one, and some are taking advantage of work hours. They’re always leaving early by one hour or coming in late and the president doesn’t say anything because he’s afraid of them going to HR and letting them know what he has done. This leaves some of the other employees, who don’t abuse their time, reeling and wanting to go to HR, but it would probably shut the whole office down because no one here is capable of taking over.

So, are we just out of luck, or do we say something?

– Helpless

Dear Helpless: You have to say something to HR. This is a mess and the mess – not the whistleblowing – is endangering your job and your customer’s well-being. Human Resources is not going to shut down your office. However, it may become necessary for the president to be replaced. If that’s the case, there are people who are trained as interim or crisis leaders who can step in and help right the ship.

Being a part of a small office can sometimes make it harder to call out bad behavior because there’s a fear of being labeled “not a team player” or creating huge waves in a small pond. But the waves are already there. The workplace is toxic. The president of your bank is clearly not exercising good judgment. What you need is someone or something that will calm the seas. That’s where HR can step in.

Dear Eric: I am recently widowed and have been living in our home in our quiet neighborhood for more than 50 years. My husband and I had a friendship with a female neighbor for five years or so.

When Jack became ill and close to death, Mary became very helpful to me.

We used to email each other every day. I told her I had traded my car for a small luxury SUV. What I got was "well, I hope you feel good about yourself". The daily emails fell off and I asked why. She said we are from two different worlds and are very different people and then proceeded to evaluate my character.

She said she couldn't understand why I complained about the workers I had called to the house to do things for me. I didn't complain about them; I was just surprised by the cost. The man who came and removed furniture for Jack's hospice had an obnoxious smelling cologne that I mentioned to her, and she reacted by asking how I could think ill of someone who had done something so kind for me.

I told her I was done with this assessment of my character. I feel bad about all this, but I didn't start it. Mary is in poor financial condition and I'm not, so maybe this is envy of some sort? Though I feel badly, I'm not inclined to fix what I thought was a friendship. Am I wrong?

– Lost Friend

Dear Friend: An unsolicited character critique is not good friend behavior. Now, those who are close to us can sometimes see things about us that we can improve. And, with permission, they can share them. But that’s not what Mary is doing.

It sounds like she’s working through some resentments – perhaps about money, perhaps about class, perhaps about something else entirely. But it’s up to her to be upfront with that, rather than resorting to passive-aggression. If you want to see if there’s something to resurrect in this friendship, you tell her, “something changed in our relationship, and I’d like to talk about why. Are you open to having a conversation about it?” You’ll both want to use “I” statements – she should focus on how she felt rather than what you did wrong in her eyes. And you should do the same. Sometimes, the things that we say can take on different meanings to others because of who they are, where they’re from and what they’re going through. That doesn’t make one person more right or more wrong. But, with conversation and openness, these conflicts can be doorways to empathy and understanding.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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