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Dear Eric: My dilemma is about Christmas cards. I am separated from my husband of 25 years, and while it's mostly amicable, I feel disingenuous including him on the card this year. Our divorce will be final less than a month after Christmas. I am also going back to my maiden name so I thought it might be a good way to announce that as well. We share four children (and a cat) who I'd like to include. Any ideas on wording that is classy or funny to express this new family identity that doesn't skew weird or inappropriate?

– I'd Still Like to Wish You a Merry Christmas

Dear Merry Christmas: Hmm, this was an interesting challenge. Perhaps something like “There’s a new name, and a new family arrangement, but the warm wishes are the same.”

Or you could lean into a seasonal motif: “This holiday, we’re moving into a new season of life, so you’ll see a different name on the return address but know that my love for you lasts year-round.”

Or funny: “Is it regifting when Santa brings you your maiden name for Christmas?” Perhaps follow that last one up with a sincere sentence or two to reassure folks that everyone is happy and healthy.

There’s also a simple solution of taking a photo of yourself with your kids and cat, signing it with your maiden name, and letting people infer or speak to you directly if they want more information. There are some who advise against announcing divorces in holiday greetings because divorce can be sad. However, it’s your card and your life and you don’t have to hide it. Holiday cards and letters often encompass the full breadth of what goes on in a year – love, loss, and all the rest. So, if you want to share it, do.

Readers, I invite you to improve upon my work. If you’ve written or received other holiday greetings from folks announcing a divorce, please send it in. I’ll publish some of them in a column next month so that you can put them to use in future years.

Dear Eric: My wife and I have three children in their 20s. We paid for their college educations; they have no debt.

Each has their own unique ambitions. My oldest child has a professional job, the youngest just graduated college and is still figuring out his path. My middle child will go to law school, and I plan to pay for it, for many reasons, but one of which is that I have plenty of money.

Other situations may arise, like perhaps advancing another child’s funds to purchase a house or something similar.

To sort of keep it fair, I was thinking that every time I make a tuition payment, I would also make a monetary gift to the other children.

Is this reasonable and if so, should I not advertise it to the law student? All the kids have a trust fund, so they will all inherit plenty of money at some point.

Rich problems, I know, but thanks all the same.

– All’s Fair

Dear Fair: First, a question – are you open to adoption? Because I know of a certain gainfully employed advice columnist who would gladly start accepting checks.

Now, the answer: if you have the funds and you want to keep everything completely neutral, sure, give the gifts to the other children. I wouldn’t hide it from the law student, though. Clear communication around money and intention, especially in family systems, is always key.

Lastly, a suggestion: instead of writing your other two children checks, consider asking them to pick a charity or multiple charities, and donate the amount equivalent of each tuition payment in their names. This way, there’s no danger of the law student feeling that they lost out on money by going to law school. Instead, because of their decision and your generosity, the world improves in multiple ways.

Dear Eric: We have given Christmas gifts to eight of our son's friends since middle school. I recently retired and do not make the kind of money I used to. I want to tactfully tell them that I love them all dearly but need to stop gifting. They do not gift us, nor do I ever see them open their gifts. So, I really don't get the joy out of it anymore. Can you help?

—Gift Giver

Dear Giver: You’re basically already there with what you’ve written to me. A card or note that tells them you love them all dearly but that your circumstances are changing and so you need to end the tradition should suffice. You can even say less if you’d like and just send them a card that announces, “we’re switching to cards for Christmas. Still love you lots!”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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