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Dear Eric: A close family member who was a beloved community member died unexpectedly on my birthday several years ago. People reach out to remember him on my birthday but don’t remember that it’s my birthday too.

I will never forget that he died on my birthday, and I appreciate how much he meant to people, but it makes me sad.

I wish people would reach out on his birthday or on another day, but it is what it is. What can I say that would be appropriate? I know he would never want me to feel sad, but it truly bums me out that people contact me on his death day. Any suggestions for moving on and setting boundaries?

– Forgotten Birthday

Dear Birthday: If these messages are adding to your grief, rather than comforting you, you may want to avoid them on your birthday altogether by putting your phone on Do Not Disturb or setting it aside. You’re not under any obligation to respond right away, or at all, to the messages.

Were you to decide that these kinds of texts or calls aren’t something you can engage with on your birthday, it may open up new possibilities for how you commemorate the day and also may put the messages in a different category for you.

For instance, you may decide that what would really help you on your birthday is to hear from a few friends and to do something special for yourself. Try to be proactive about setting that up by telling your friends or family what you need and by making a plan that you like.

You can also be proactive about telling those who usually reach out to you that you’ll be commemorating your birthday in a different way this coming year and you won’t be as responsive by phone.

Dear Eric: I am a mom of elementary-age kids. I’ve been good friends with three other moms (I’ll call them A, B, and C) for several years. I like them all, but C is a bit of a chronic complainer. She’s never completely off base, but her complaints tend to be mostly “first world” problems, and their frequency is a bit exhausting.

The four of us have a monthly “mom dinner” at a local restaurant. Last year I went through an extremely rough patch. Within the span of one month, my parents’ house flooded, my mom passed away, my husband and I appeared to be on the verge of losing our jobs, and I received a cancer diagnosis. It was the worst time of my life.

We had a mom dinner scheduled shortly after all this, and C texted beforehand to say she was sick and wouldn’t be attending. When I arrived, A and B were discussing C and how frequently she had been sick in the preceding months. They then told me they were planning to send her some flowers to cheer her up.

I was taken aback. None of them had sent me flowers, or even a sympathy card.

Adding to my confusion, B’s mother had passed away the previous year, and I had brought her flowers and a small gift to keep her son occupied so she could have some time to herself. She seemed genuinely appreciative at the time, so I don’t understand why she wouldn’t reciprocate in some way.

I’m not a flower scorekeeper, but I truly don’t understand why A and B told me they were sending C flowers, knowing what I had just been through. Telling me felt cruel, even if unintentionally so, and I don’t think of either A or B as cruel people. Based on our other interactions, including many since that dinner, I do believe they like me.

This all happened several months ago, but I’m still struggling to get past the hurt their comment caused, and it has affected our friendships. How should I proceed with them?

– Hurting, Confused, and Flowerless

Dear Flowerless: I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. You deserve friends who show up for you and support you in the way that you need. Comparing their response to you with their response to C was initially helpful inasmuch as it may have highlighted some underlying issues in the friendship. But, as with any comparison, it’s ultimately going to make you unhappy.

You should have a conversation with your friends but focus less on what they did for others and more on what you need them to do for you. There’s room for questions about why they didn’t give you flowers, but I think your friendship will be stronger if you talk about what your expectations are for the future and ask them about their expectations and assumptions about the friendship. They can’t redo the past, but communication can make the future easier.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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