Dear Anna,

I’m a 28-year-old woman who moved in with my boyfriend (30) after only four months of dating. It wasn't planned — my lease was ending, his roommate moved out and it just made sense financially and logistically. Plus, we were spending every night together anyway, so why pay for two places? We've now been living together for two months (six months total as a couple), and honestly, things are great. We split chores fairly, rarely fight and I genuinely love coming home to him every day. But ever since we told people we live together, I've been getting so much pushback.

My friends keep bringing up the "3-6-9 rule" and saying we skipped crucial relationship stages by moving in during the honeymoon phase. They say we don't really know each other yet and that we're setting ourselves up for failure because we haven't dealt with "real problems" as a couple before cohabitating. Is there any merit to this? Did we mess up by moving so fast? Are we missing important relationship milestones that will come back to haunt us? We're genuinely happy, but I can't shake the feeling that everyone else knows something we don't. — Too Fast or Just Right?

Dear TFOJR,

For those in the cheap seats, let's start with what the 3-6-9 rule actually claims. It's basically another kind of relationship escalator, a way to assess your romantic relationship trajectory, a la where is this going?

This one says: At three months, the honeymoon phase ends and you start to see your significant other's flaws — and vice versa; at six months, you face real tests as a couple; at nine months, you know if it's got long-term potential. It's a nice, tidy timeline that makes relationships feel predictable and controllable.

Here's the truth: It's a completely arbitrary and made-up “rule.”

Not because such phases don't exist — they often do — but because the idea that they happen at specific month markers for everyone is ridiculous. (And as a general aside, anyone who claims there's one correct way to do relationships is likely wrong, because humans are woefully complicated and diverse in our needs, wants and desires.) Love doesn't follow a calendar. Some couples know within weeks they've found their person. Others need years to build that certainty. Both can be right.

When I met my now-wife, for instance, she was going through a divorce. As you might imagine, she was a bit slower and more reserved when it came to starting a new relationship, even with someone she was super excited about. (Me!)

You moved in together because it made practical sense and you were already spending every night together. That's not reckless — and it's not like it's an irreversible move. (You can always move out if things, for some reason, take a turn for the worse.) You weren't performing some relationship theater where you maintain separate apartments to prove you're “taking it slow” while essentially living together anyway. You just acknowledged reality. Which, frankly, is a rare and valuable skill these days. Good on you.

If you were, for instance, getting married at four months, I might have more words of caution for you, but cohabitating? Eh. Sure, it makes a breakup a little more complicated, but other than that, you do you.

And here's your most important data point: You're happy. You split chores fairly, you rarely fight, you love coming home to him. That's not honeymoon delusion talking — that's actual compatibility showing up in the day-to-day grind of cohabitation. WOOH. Most couples who move in together too fast discover immediately that they can't stand each other's living habits. You discovered you work well together. That's great.

Your friends don't know something you don't. They might simply be “looking out for you” in a misguided way, or are possibly uncomfortable with uncertainty, aka want to believe following The Rules protects you from heartbreak. (It doesn't.) Plenty of couples who wait two years to move in still break up. Plenty who move in after two months build beautiful lives together.

That said, if you want to feel more intentional about your relationship progression, forget arbitrary timelines and focus on actual compatibility markers. Here are better ways to assess where you're at:

Do you fight productively? When conflict arises, do you both stay respectful and work toward resolution, or does someone shut down or escalate or avoid the other for days? If you don't fight productively, are you working on that?

Do you have aligned values about the big stuff? Money, kids, career ambitions, sex, where to live, how to spend free time?

Are you both still maintaining your individual identities? Or has one of you disappeared into the relationship?

Can you be boring together? Not every moment is magical — can you exist in comfortable mundane silence?

Other small “tests” include: Spending time with your S.O.'s family, particularly if one or several are A BIT MUCH. Going on a road trip — great for enduring small, irritating moments! In a similar vein: putting together furniture, fixing something annoying or building something that requires time, patience and hard-to-read instructions. (There’s a reason shopping at Ikea has become a relationship barometer.)

I'm also a big fan of regular relationship check-ins. Pick a monthly or quarterly or yearly "state of the union" where you both share what you love, what needs adjustment (if anything) and where you see things going (if necessary). Make it fun — pour some wine, order your favorite takeout, treat it like a date where you get to talk about a favorite topic: you!

But honestly? Stop letting other people's anxiety become yours. You're six months in, living together and genuinely happy. That's not a red flag. That's just your life going well.

Trust your own experience over everyone else's timeline.

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