ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I've been with my partner for over 15 years and have helped him build his business from the ground up. I handle everything -- paying bills, filing taxes, ordering supplies and assisting customers -- often working 70-hour weeks. Despite my dedication, he once accused me of stealing. I proved my innocence, yet he still makes comments that suggest he doesn't trust me.

When he planned to move out (with his mother's help), I filed for divorce. But after speaking to an attorney and realizing he wouldn't receive spousal support, he stayed. We now have separate finances, but he still refuses to contribute fairly to household expenses. Over the years, he's moved out multiple times, often staying with female friends who "needed help."

Most recently, after his mother's passing, we received a sympathy card with $1,500. I suggested a scholarship in her name, but he refused. Later, while discussing her will, he accused me of only caring about money -- something he often throws at me whenever finances come up.

I earn a good living and don't need his financial help, but I don't think he should live rent-free. How do I make him see that I'm not "money-hungry" and that his accusations are deeply hurtful? -- Glutton for Punishment

Dear Glutton for Punishment: Another person's opinion about you is none of your business. He has come to his own conclusions. All you can do is get clear about your intentions regarding money. He is probably really hurting right now because he lost his mother. Try to be sensitive to that fact.

Losing a parent can turn someone's world upside down, and grief often affects how people view situations and interact with others. During this difficult time, the best approach is to lead with compassion. Give him space to process his loss while remaining kind and understanding in your interactions. If there are financial matters to discuss, consider waiting until he's had more time to grieve, or approach the topic with extra sensitivity.

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been together for over 35 years, married for 28. Just five days before Christmas, she abruptly ended our marriage. Her father had passed away a couple of weeks prior, and his funeral was on Dec. 19. Unfortunately, due to a long-term illness that has kept me housebound for nearly three years, I wasn't able to attend. My wife knows about my condition, yet she refuses to accept that I physically couldn't be there.

Now, I feel completely abandoned. No one from her family is speaking to me, and I've been left without any support. I keep wondering -- was I truly in the wrong for missing the funeral due to my illness? Should I have risked my health to attend? I'm at a complete loss and struggling to understand what I did wrong. -- Complete Loss

Dear Complete Loss: First and foremost, I am so sorry for the loss of your father-in-law. Grief can be incredibly difficult, and I can only imagine how painful this has been for both you and your wife.

When it comes to not attending the funeral, that's a decision best guided by your doctors and your health. I truly doubt that your absence alone was the sole reason for your wife ending the marriage -- more likely, it was the tipping point in a larger pattern of issues.

Right now, the best thing you can do is have an open and honest conversation with her. Try to understand what led to this decision and why she feels she needs to leave. While you can't make her stay, you do deserve clarity and an explanation.

Sending you strength during this difficult time.

========

Annie Lane's second anthology -- "How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.