When to Speak Up
Dear Annie: I'm 45 and trying to move forward after the end of a 15-year marriage that left me emotionally and financially depleted. In my early 20s, I was an ambitious, college-educated overachiever who fell in love with a charming, carefree man. He had no real goals, had flunked out of college and was working part-time in fast food. But I believed in his potential and poured my energy into helping him get on his feet.
It took years, but eventually he found a stable full-time job with room to grow. I was proud when he hit a six-figure salary, even though I had shaped my career around supporting his, especially once we had kids. During the pandemic, I stepped away from work entirely to stay home while he continued climbing.
Then, two months ago, he left -- just walked out and moved back in with his parents. To make things worse, he now talks as if his success was entirely self-made, and he speaks condescendingly about the fact that I'm not currently working. Meanwhile, I'm left with a resume full of gaps, a tight job market and the painful reality of splitting time with our children.
My parents recently admitted they always had concerns about him and wish they had said something back then. I told them not to blame themselves, but deep down, I think I would have listened if they had spoken up. Their opinion mattered more than I let on.
So here's my question: Is it ever appropriate for parents to voice concern about who their adult children are dating -- especially when they see red flags early on? I'm not talking about control, just an honest conversation before things get serious. Can speaking up make a difference, or is it better to stay silent and let life teach the lesson? -- Wiser Now and Wondering
Dear Wiser and Wondering: Yes, it's appropriate -- when done with care. A parent's loving honesty, shared gently and respectfully, can plant a seed. You can't choose for them, but you can give them something to think about.
Dear Annie: My husband has made it clear that he wants out of the marriage and is asking me to move out of our home. We have already tried counseling, and I am emotionally exhausted. He is pushing for me to leave without discussing any kind of support for our teenage child, and I am feeling pressured and overwhelmed.
This situation is stirring up a lot of fear and uncertainty. I am tempted to just give in and leave to avoid more conflict, but something in me says I need to pause and think this through carefully. I vaguely remember hearing that moving out, especially if your name is on the house, can affect your rights during a divorce. Years ago, I heard from an attorney that if you own your home, it is usually best not to leave without legal advice, though I do not remember all the reasons why.
I want to do what is best for my child, protect what I have worked for and avoid making any rash decisions I might regret.
Is it true that moving out can hurt your legal or financial standing? And how do I begin to protect myself when everything feels like it is falling apart? -- Stuck and Unsure What to Do
Dear Stuck: You are wise to pause. Do not move out without first speaking to a family law attorney. Leaving the home can sometimes affect your custody or financial claims. Protect yourself legally before making any major decisions. Do not pack a single bag until you talk to a lawyer. Leaving your home could be seen as abandoning your property or weakening your case. Get legal advice. Emotion should not make this call; facts should.
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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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