ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my late 30s and childless, not by choice. I prefer to have a small circle of friends, but I have found it difficult to find other childless friends; statistically, most people my age have children -- especially in church settings, where I spend a lot of my time.

It often leaves me feeling like I don't fit in, as I cannot relate to the conversations revolving around pregnancy and childrearing.

One close friend, who is aware of how I feel, and with whom I converse nearly every day, often shares stories with me that I cannot relate to. I often find it hard to cope with this, as they bring up a lot of grief and feelings of being the odd one out. She just shared her excitement over a conversation she had with two other friends (whom I do not know) about the similarities in how they raised their now-adult children and some of the relational results of their various parenting choices.

I don't want to squash my friend's excitement, nor do I want to discourage her from sharing the things that are important to her; however, I find her lack of tact related to subject choice to be unintentionally hurtful.

How do I politely tell her that I care about what is important to her, but that I feel hurt and unseen when she talks about how she relates to other mothers, or goes into detail about how she parented? I don't want to discount her very important work of being a mother, but I also don't want to suffer in silence.

GENTLE READER: Certainly, it is inconsiderate to talk incessantly about something your conversational partner is sensitive toward or has not experienced. But it is also difficult to confine oneself only to subject matter that is shared.

So while Miss Manners has sympathy for your situation, she also warns you not to fall into the habit of only seeking out likeminded companionship.

She also notices that the example you use of your friend's insensitivity is not as damning as you seem to think. Your friend was not speaking about current parenting experiences, but of the results of past parenting. Surely, as a child of parents yourself, you can relate.

But if you still need to emphasize the difference, you could always preface it by saying, "Well, I can't speak to it from the parenting end, but as a child of the authoritative parenting method, I can tell you that ..."

In any case, it would be a shame if you cut yourself off from others' human experiences because you have been deprived of some of your own. Rather than suffer in silence, see if you can find deeper connections. You may be surprised by the rewards.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whether at home, in a restaurant, or someone else's home, how does one handle food that has slipped off one's plate onto the table?

GENTLE READER: With a quick flick off of the table and onto the side of your plate, where it should remain until the plate is cleared.

But if no one saw and you deem the table clean enough, Miss Manners will not chide you for discreetly pushing it back with the rest of the food and eating it.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN