Don't Upstage Host's Easter Dessert
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you consider it rude to bring an additional dish to a dinner, even if it wasn't requested?
This is for an Easter dinner, so it is a meal in which the dishes are meant to be special. When I asked what I could contribute, I was asked to bring a side. I'm more than happy to do this, but I'm also inspired to make a yummy dessert!
I really enjoy baking, and I know that the dessert the host is making is much more about presentation than flavor (think an Easter item-shaped dessert using prepackaged ingredients). It's fine, it's cute, and I don't want to take away from it. My kid will love it. But it won't be particularly enjoyable for the adults to eat.
Would it be OK to show up with an extra homemade dessert and just say I had the time and wanted an excuse to make something special? It never hurts to have an extra for a holiday meal, right?
GENTLE READER: No. Because you are right to suspect that the benevolence of giving does not protect you from other transgressions. And usurping the menu plan would be one.
Miss Manners might have suggested you ask the host whether another dessert would be welcome -- if you hadn't given yourself away. But you made it clear that you want to show up your host by providing the adult guests with something you deem superior.
That is not generous. Please respect your host's attempts to please guests, no matter how much better you think you would have done.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is dying. I've fixated on a stupid issue, probably because I don't want to imagine life without him: What does a widow wear?
The idea of wearing jeans and T-shirts as if everything is normal feels bizarre. Is there a way to signal mourning? A black armband?
Foolish worry, I know, but it's already hard to interact with cheery strangers. How can I signal my sadness?
GENTLE READER: The Victorians did us a disservice by overdoing the show of bereavement to the point where people got tired of living in mandated symbolic gloom -- long periods of wearing black and forgoing social events, even for relatives they didn't miss -- and overthrew the whole system.
As usual, this led to the opposite extreme: the expectation of a quick return to normal life. Those who prod the bereaved to "achieve closure" little realize the pain they are causing.
So yes, some small sign would be good to warn off those who expect you to be jolly. Wearing all black is an option, although that remains a sign of mourning primarily at funerals of national importance. Black being considered chic, it can also be found at weddings.
So you could wear a black armband, although it may attract more attention than you want. As another possibility, Miss Manners suggests a small black ribbon at the lapel or neckline.
You need explain these only by saying, "I'm in mourning," which may be repeated with more emphasis if this elicits more than an expression of sympathy.
========
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
Comments