ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I have a long-standing, semi-joking disagreement, but I do think my behavior bothers her, and I just don't understand why.

We typically meet for dinner. Now, I am not a big dining-out person. I am just not that interested in food. I'm more of an "eat to live" person, if you know what I mean.

My friend gets a lot more enjoyment out of food than I do, and I'm perfectly happy to spend time with her at a restaurant, even though the food itself isn't a main selling point for me, if that makes sense. It's a fine place to catch up with her.

The problem is that I usually ask the server to decide what I will have, instead of ordering myself. I have little interest in the food, and as employees, they certainly know the menu much better than I do, and what people want when they come to that restaurant.

Last week when asked for my order, I said, "Whatever makes sense!"

Well, the server and I had already chatted a little and he didn't seem to have a problem with my order. He recommended something, and I was fine with it, but my friend was embarrassed and accused me, essentially, of being a poor restaurant patron.

She seems to feel that I'm putting some kind of burden on the servers and possibly making them uncomfortable by asking them to decide what I get. But to me, I'm simply streamlining an interaction in which the server is best placed to know what I should order. Is this really that weird?

GENTLE READER: That you do not have a passion for food is fine. That you are open to suggestions from your server is also fine.

But showing disdain for those who take it seriously by openly expressing your apathy is where Miss Manners -- and your friend -- found fault. That is what made the interaction with the server uncomfortable, not the asking itself. If that makes sense and you know what Miss Manners means.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent out party invitations that included my grandnephew. He RSVP'd that he would be attending, along with his girlfriend.

I had not invited the girlfriend -- I didn't even know he had one! Of course she is welcome, but is there a polite way to tell him that guests don't invite people who hadn't been invited in the first place?

I don't want to start a family feud, or to let his mother (my niece) think that I am trying to tell her how to raise her son. At least he RSVP'd.

GENTLE READER: True. But doing so only when one wants to invite other people surreptitiously does not make it even.

As a polite warning for future invitations, Miss Manners suggests you say to your niece, "We were so surprised and happy to hear that Chase has a girlfriend. Had we known, we would have put her on the invitation ... but I'm glad she was able to attend anyway." Of course, you could also say this to Chase himself. In case he changes girlfriends.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN