ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I remember growing up, when we had visitors who were new to our house, my mother would give them the "grand tour." I now do that with all of my first-time visitors.

I have, however, noticed that nobody else does this when I am a first-time visitor -- making my initial query about the bathroom a little awkward.

Did people stop showing their houses? Should I just begin and end the tour with "Here's the bathroom"?

GENTLE READER: Unless you live in a historic property, are throwing a housewarming party or are orienting a houseguest, Miss Manners is afraid that tours smack of showing off.

Apologies to your mother, who doubtless meant only to adjust guests to their surroundings. But after all, what can touring guests do but deliver constant compliments while wondering when they are going to be fed?

You have, at least, been offering drinks before the tour, haven't you? And not refrained from doing so because they might be spilled on your bedspread?

Even the location of the bathroom can be on a need-to-know basis. Few adults are too shy to ask, and should not even have to spell out such a request, as an inquisitive look to the host should be interpreted as such.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son hosted a small gathering of family and close friends at a local restaurant in honor of my retirement.

One of the guests stated that she would be returning from a birthday celebration that same day, and asked if it would be OK to bring her father and her spouse. My son, knowing that I have known the guest's father for decades and would enjoy seeing him, told her this would be fine.

The guest later RSVP'd that she would not be bringing her father, but instead would be bringing one of her siblings and her adult daughter in addition to her spouse. My son did not know how to address this. All four of them attended the meal and were treated by my son, even though the original invitation was for two people.

Am I incorrect to think that she should have asked if additional uninvited people could attend? Should she at least have offered to cover their meal costs?

GENTLE READER: Ah, the old bait-and-switch maneuver. It is often used socially, especially at weddings.

Miss Manners believes this arises from two assumptions.

One assumption is that private hosts, like restaurants, count places, without much interest in who occupies them. So if your partner was invited but could not attend, that is an open spot you can use.

The second assumption is that single guests should be deputized to bring whomever they want. This is not the same as adding serious partners or needed caretakers for invited guests. Rather, it is the anonymous "and guest," whose name is not important.

Thus, hosts end up sharing personal occasions with people who have no personal relationship to them. And guests offering to cover the cost of what they eat only treats it as a commercial proposition.

So no, the guest should not have asked, and the host should not have agreed.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN