ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am picking up a prescription, the druggist usually asks for my birthdate, sometimes in front of other people.

Must I say the year? I bristle at this. Aren't ladies allowed to hide their ages? Isn't the name, date and month enough?

GENTLE READER: Oh, please -- don't even think that way.

Yes, the idea has long been prevalent that a lady should be able to conceal her age. Do you know why? Because only nubile females were considered worthwhile -- making it an embarrassment for women to age.

You apparently believe this, or you wouldn't be fretting that strangers picking up their own prescriptions might overhear your birth date.

Miss Manners begs you not to hang on to this humiliating idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm throwing a surprise 90th birthday party for my father -- a truly wonderful and well-loved man. I want this celebration to feel intimate and meaningful, centered around his closest friends, beloved neighbors and family.

In trying to decide whom to invite, I took a somewhat roundabout approach: I'd casually ask my dad, who is still unaware of the party, if he'd recently spoken with so-and-so. If he hadn't, I took it as a sign that that person was not central to his life at this time, and I left them off the guest list.

Here's where things got tricky: Some invited guests asked to bring others, or suggested I invite additional people. A few even informed me they had already told others about the party.

To maintain the more intimate feel of the main event, I told those guests that while the official party ends at 5, anyone they wanted to invite could stop by afterward. I let them know that there wouldn't be another meal, but we'd have beverages and snacks.

Some people didn't even ask -- they simply increased their RSVP numbers without explanation. I wasn't sure how to respond to this without sounding rude or ungracious, and I'm still wrestling with whether I handled everything the right way.

Was it inappropriate to suggest that uninvited guests come after 5? Should I have just said "no" to adding more guests, even if it risked disappointing some people? Am I a bad person for trying to prioritize intimacy over inclusion?

This party means so much to me; I want it to be worthy of my father's warmth and legacy. But I'm struggling with boundaries, expectations and etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Of course the host is in charge of the guest list, and is justified in explaining that the list is closed. The polite way is to express regret and say you hope to see those proposed guests on another occasion.

But in this case, Miss Manners suggests that you mean it -- not just the rejection, but the subsequent occasion. "I'm sorry I can't accommodate those friends now," you could say, "but I'm sure my father would love to see them. Why don't you get in touch with him after this, and arrange another visit?"

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN