ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have added a dog to our family. We tried to work with many different animal shelters and rescues, but it just did not work out for us to go that route.

We also did a lot of research on getting a dog from reputable breeders, but we couldn't afford any of them. We ended up purchasing a dog from what some would call a "backyard breeder." She was a lovely woman, with beautiful, healthy puppies and reasonable prices.

There was nothing shady, illegal or "puppy mill" about her. We spent a lot of time making this decision, and we are happy with the puppy we got.

However, every time someone asks about our new puppy, they want to know what shelter I got him from. Many people are horrified to hear I would even consider anything outside of a shelter. I don't want to go through the three-year story of our search every time this comes up, but I am scared and almost embarrassed to admit I didn't adopt.

How do I address this? I don't want to lie, but I have found myself doing that out of fear of harsh rebukes, even from strangers. Help me find an honest balance, Miss Manners!

GENTLE READER: Although it may violate the moral standards of Immanuel Kant, and of certain honest-at-all-cost types, your dog is smart enough to know not to give a stranger a stick when experience tells him it is going to be used to smack him.

Instead of telling the stranger that your source was a backyard breeder, say you found your puppy through a friend of a friend -- or whatever characterization you can invent that is technically true. At the same time, emphasize the other truth that your new family member was, just like a shelter animal, in need of a good home.

Then change the subject to any of a myriad of other topics that dog owners love to discuss -- but on which Miss Manners, sadly, cannot be of much help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a small, rural community where reputation is very important. He is a serious alcoholic, which results in him missing activities where his presence is expected.

I go alone, then, and am comfortable doing so, except when I am asked, "Where's Joe?"

I don't want to betray his secret, and I don't want to lie, so I generally say that he's not feeling well -- which is true. But then I often get follow-up questions about what is wrong (especially with COVID, since people wonder if contagion is a concern). What should I say?

GENTLE READER: The pandemic has provided a reasonable basis for inquiring, with what had previously been improper nosiness, about other people's medical conditions.

But fears of contagion should only apply when he is present, not when he is absent. Arm yourself with a few vague phrases and stick to them: "He is just under the weather." "It is something he gets from time to time." "It's nothing to worry about. He's so sorry not to be able to be here."

Miss Manners realizes repetition is tedious, but the less said, the better.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN