ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We went to breakfast this morning with four people total, and I informed the waitress beforehand that we'd like separate, individual checks. One of the participants piped up when I said that, saying that he'd like one single bill instead.

I assumed he meant that he would take care of the entire bill for all four of us. I sincerely believe that was his intention.

When the bill came, everybody save one took out their wallets and offered, out of politeness, to pay cash toward the entire bill. It is my understanding that, in such a situation, the one who offered to pay the entire bill should politely decline, and instead pick up the bill in full.

He didn't. Instead, he accepted the cash from others as offered. This was disruptive to at least one person, who had anticipated paying their separate check via a card, and who didn't therefore bring cash.

I am very confused. Miss Manners, how ought things to go in such a situation?

GENTLE READER: Well, not that way. Even if the hapless host now assures the cashless participant that he will pay, that person has already been embarrassed.

And now the two whose cash he just accepted will also feel ill-used.

Miss Manners does not understand why people are so eager to speak about money at all the wrong times, but are suddenly shy when it is perfectly proper. When asking for a single check, the host should have said, "Please let me get this." You and the fourth guest were fine to protest when the bill came, but he should have turned you down. And if the other guest had then apologized for not having cash, he could have used that as a gracious excuse to win the argument.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About trying to get a head count for a party, would it be rude to say: "The party is on Feb. 15. Please let us know by the 7th if you will be coming. If we don't hear from you by then, we will assume you will not be attending. If you cannot know your plans by the 7th, please let me know that, too, and maybe we can work something out."

That should get the invitees to respond in a timely fashion one way or another. To me, the above doesn't seem too much to expect of an invitee, and the party-giver has a better chance of not ending up with too many or too few around her table. The host/hostess has set it up in such a way that the response, or lack of it, tells him/her what is needed for setting up for a party.

GENTLE READER: This sounds like a theoretical exercise for you, so while Miss Manners agrees that it should not be too much trouble for people to respond to invitations, she suggests you check back when you have experiential data.

Asking people to respond by a given date is neither rude nor new, but suggesting they would be inconsiderate enough not to respond is both -- and is also inconsistent with your otherwise charmingly optimistic appraisal of humanity.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN