ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in our 80s now, but we have been married only 20 years. This is a second marriage for each of us.

People are frequently asking us how long we have been married. I feel sure that they want to hear a good story about the cute couple being together for 60 years. After hearing our answer of 20 years, more intrusive questions are asked: "How did you meet? How long did you date? Did you each own a home?"

While I feel certain the inquiries are meant to be charming, I feel uncomfortable. I often give the vague answer of "Seems like forever."

How do I keep these well-meaning people from asking intrusive questions without being rude myself?

GENTLE READER: Among the trials of old age, being considered adorable is surely a minor one. And while Miss Manners understands that you feel patronized, she is going to ask you to put up with it -- not, however, to the extent of reciting your marital history to anyone who asks.

As you are aware (and have experienced), the lifetime marriage is, for whatever reasons, not as common as it used to be. People are nostalgic about it, and therefore touched when they think they see evidence of its survival.

In addition, they believe that people are flattered to be asked to talk about themselves -- which many people are, although not everyone. Furthermore, they think they have chosen a pleasant topic. "How long have you been married?" is not in the same intrusive category as, for example, "Why aren't you married?"

You have only to turn around that assumption. "Twenty years," you can say, "and how about you?" Or, for singles, "Do you encounter many long marriages these days?"

You will have easily disabused them of the notion that yours is a lifetime romance, and, with any luck, gotten them started on talking about themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't know how to respond when meeting a friend and they exclaim, upon seeing me, "You're all gussied up!" I don't take it as a compliment. Somehow it sounds like a put-down.

I tend to get defensive and argue that just because I'm not wearing jeans and a T-shirt, it doesn't mean I'm gussied up.

Wouldn't it be nicer to say, "You look nice today"?

GENTLE READER: Sure. But not as satisfying to anyone whose idea of "dressing up" is putting on clean athleisure and doesn't want to be shown up.

You are right that this is not an innocent compliment. The subtext is that you are trying too hard, and that your efforts just look silly.

But that is only a subtext. You do not really have to deal with that.

A disarming alternative is to take it on face value, as a compliment. Responding, "Thank you, I'm glad you like it" at least shows your friend that the implied insult misfired. And Miss Manners gives you permission to add, "It's what I'm wearing to the Oscars."

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN