Dear Anna,

My partner of three years absolutely despises Valentine's Day. He calls it a "commercialized scam" and refuses to participate in any way. I understand his perspective — yes, it's commercialized. All holidays are! And yes, we should show love year-round. But here's the thing: I genuinely enjoy having this day dedicated to celebrating our love.

Growing up, my parents always made Valentine's Day special. Not with expensive gifts, but with thoughtful gestures — handwritten notes, special home-cooked meals and small traditions that made the day meaningful. I've tried explaining this to my boyfriend, but he just rolls his eyes.

I don't need fancy restaurants or expensive gifts. I just want to acknowledge our love in some small way, while he wants to treat it like any other day. How can we find middle ground when we're so far apart on this? I don't want to force him into celebrating, but I also don't want to keep suppressing something that brings me joy. — Currently Understanding Politics In Dating

Dear CUPID,

Your letter touches on a challenge many couples face: finding common ground when deeply held beliefs collide. What stands out is how thoughtfully you've approached this — you've tried to understand your partner’s perspective, suggested creative alternatives and even attempted to forgo the day’s celebration entirely. Yet, one partner completely surrendering their wishes often does lead to resentment, so it's about finding a bridge between your two worlds.

First, let's acknowledge something important: Your desire to celebrate love isn't superficial, and your partner’s aversion to commercialization isn't wrong. Both positions come from authentic places. Your connection to Valentine's Day is rooted in meaningful family traditions and genuine desire for connection, not materialism. Similarly, his resistance isn't merely stubborn contrarianism — he's pushing back against what he sees as artificial obligations.

However, carte blanche dismissing something that’s meaningful to you (the eye-rolling) isn't a great way forward. Just as you've worked to see his perspective, he needs to extend the same courtesy. Your childhood memories and desires aren't invalid simply because they're connected to a commercial holiday. (Which, as you said, is ALL major holidays.)

My big question is: Does he show love and affection and make you feel special in general? Is this gripe limited to Feb. 14 or are you really asking for a romance overhaul? If he is good at expressing thoughtful gestures on other days (birthdays, anniversaries, day to day, etc.), then that’s important to bear in mind and not to be discounted.

Here's a potential approach: Frame this conversation around creating "your day" rather than celebrating Valentine's Day. Pick a different date entirely — perhaps the anniversary of your first date or another meaningful moment. This isn't about deceiving him; it's about separating the authentic desire for celebration from the commercial trappings he resists.

Alternatively, consider what your partner does enjoy about expressing love. Does he prefer spontaneous gestures or trips? Does he have his own family traditions around showing affection? Understanding his positive associations might help you craft a compromise that feels genuine to both of you.

Some practical suggestions to find common ground:

—Create a "love languages day" where you each express affection in your preferred way.

—Establish quarterly "connection days" that spread celebration throughout the year, once per season.

—Focus on experiences over objects: hiking to a special spot, cooking a new recipe together.

—Take turns planning how to mark the day, alternating between his comfort level and yours.

Remember, the goal isn't to make your partner embrace hearts and flowers. It's to honor both his boundaries and your desires. Perhaps he'd be more open to celebrating if the focus was on private, meaningful gestures rather than public displays or commercial aspects.

Finally, while compromise is crucial, it's also OK to blow things up. Bypass your boyfriend altogether and celebrate V-Day some other way: with a close friend, your mom or fun aunt, the seniors down at the local bingo hall, the animals at the shelter, or by showing kindness to a random stranger. One of my favorite things about the winter holiday season is that people are a little bit nicer to each other, more compassionate and giving — why not extend that goodwill into February, particularly toward someone that might really appreciate a little love and connection?

Wishing you wisdom in finding your unique path forward, CUPID.

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