Why is it that something that should seem so easy – telling someone you’re not interested – is so hard for so many people? I certainly understand that no one wants to hurt someone’s feelings. But, in saying nothing (ghosting, if you will), you’re doing a lot more damage to their feelings than simply telling a high-level version of the truth.

Let’s look at a few examples of the right and wrong ways to kindly let someone down in various situations.

After one date where the other person wants to see you again, below are two options that are both tactful and honest:

“Thanks so much for a nice time! Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for, but I wish you nothing but the best.”

“It was really nice meeting and learning a bit about you. I don’t feel that we’re a romantic match, but thanks again for taking the time, and I wish you the best.”

It’s also worth remembering that you don’t owe anyone a long explanation or an apology for not wanting to continue. A short, polite note is enough. You don’t need to remind them of how “great” they are either, which comes off as disingenuous.

The goal isn’t to justify your decision. Rather, it’s simply to communicate it clearly and kindly. Over-explaining can sometimes confuse the other person or invite unnecessary debate (“Maybe we could try again?”). For that reason, also note that I do not recommend sharing the exact reason (“I’m not attracted to you,” “You said something that offended me,” “Your laugh is annoying”) but rather the light version of the truth, that you simply do not want to pursue this connection.

As long as you keep things kind and decisive (as in, don’t make up lies about how your life is too busy right now or you met someone else in the 12.73 hours since your date), then that’s all you can do.

As I often find myself reminding clients and friends alike – in both dating and in life – all we can control is what we put out into the world. What we cannot control is how others react to this. This is an important note because, if one out of 10 times, someone may not take the rejection maturely, I don’t want that to stop anyone from making the kind, honest choice in the future.

What not to do: ghost. Unless you feel unsafe in any way, don’t ghost. If someone makes themselves vulnerable to you (as in, asks you out again), then you need to reply in some fashion.

If you’re struggling with when to send that message, sooner is better than later. Once you know you’re not interested, it’s much kinder to let the other person know right away rather than letting things linger. They deserve clarity, and you deserve the relief of not having that uncomfortable text hanging over you. The respectful thing to do is to close the loop as promptly and gracefully as you can.

Now, once you’ve seen someone several times or are in a relationship, then a much more personal approach should be taken, whether that is in person or over the phone. Please don’t hide behind your screen so as to shield yourself from the other person’s reactions and emotions. It’s OK to express yourself, and, in turn, it’s OK for the other person to react.

Will it be difficult in the short term? Yes. Will you feel better about how you handled things in the long term? That’s the goal. In the end, rejection delivered with kindness is still kindness.

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