Q. My daughter comes home from her dad’s house telling me that her father lets her stay up until 10 o’clock at night and doesn’t cook dinner. She’s 6. She needs her sleep and nourishing food. I get so worked up; I don’t want her to go. And I don’t know exactly what to say to her when she tells me these things. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Do the logical thing first. Get on the phone -- and I mean talk, don’t text -- and ask dad what’s the story. Don’t accuse him. Explain what your daughter has been saying.

One of my clients made a joke about it when she asked her co-parent what was going on and it took the sting out of the questioning. She said, “So, I hear bedtime is 10 o’clock on school nights at your house,” with a little laugh. “Our daughter is full of surprises. Got any insight for me?”

Her co-parent returned the explanation in the same voice his co-parent had used --laughing, with a to-the-point explanation: “Well, that’s only half the truth. I did let her stay up to 10, but it was on Saturday night when her cousins were visiting.”

No fighting, no arguing. They then had a further conversation about staying on the same page as their daughter goes back and forth between their homes, because they recognize that she is getting older and starting to notice.

Now, what to say to your daughter. Try to convey the message that “equal doesn't mean identical." That's a phrase I repeat often to co-parents. Your child doesn't need two copies of the exact same life, just two homes that communicate the same message: "We both care about your well-being."

It's not about matching routines down to the minute. It's about creating environments in both homes where the child feels secure, valued and protected. Parents may do things differently -- one might serve breakfast at the table, the other on the go -- but if both households operate with steady respect, similar values around safety and unconditional love, children learn that "different" can still be safe. That's the heart of collaborative co-parenting: not carbon copies but connected care.

So, if your daughter says something like “Daddy lets me eat in front of the TV," you can say, “Every home does things a little differently. That’s OK. Here, we eat at the table.”

For your particular problem — a later bedtime -- explain that, “Your dad and I were recently talking, and he explained that this was a one-time thing on the weekend when your cousins were visiting. That’s not the same as staying up late on a school night, honey. When you have to do schoolwork the next day, you must get your sleep to do well. Your dad and I agree on that.”

What that message conveyed is that you and dad talk, so if she’s going to tell stories, you or dad will know about it. It also clarified why dad made the choice to let her stay up and you understood his reasoning. Plus, it reiterated the reason why there is an earlier bedtime on school days — and that you and dad agree. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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