Dear Anna,

My partner and I met on a dating app five months ago. It started out as a very casual thing but quickly became exclusive and serious. He lives about 40 minutes away, and it’s a long drive to see him. We’re both in college, so generally we only see each other on weekends, but sometimes, we’d see each other multiple times a week.

About a month ago, it started getting harder to hang out with him. I’ve always been the "communicate and talk it out" type, and eventually it became clear that he doesn’t want to see me every week. I’m just kind of baffled by this, because most people I know see their partner every other day, if not all the time, and it’s not an issue for them. In the past couple of days, we’ve come to the realization that our expectations are very different.

I’m very deeply invested in him, and love him dearly. He loves me too, and he wants to stay in our committed relationship, but he’s more on the casual end of it, and isn’t keen on investing everything in me like I am in him. I guess I get that, but is once a week too much to ask? It’s tearing me up. Today we had a long conversation and I just broke down crying because I don’t see a way through this and neither does he, but neither of us wants to leave, and we don’t know what to change. Please help, your advice is really insightful and I could really use it. — A Deeply Confused Person

Dear ADCP,

I can hear how much this is hurting you, and I’m so sorry you’re stuck in this painful limbo. When you love someone and they’re pulling back, it can feel like you’re doing something wrong or asking for too much. But I need you to hear this: Wanting to see your partner once a week after five months together is not asking too much. It’s pretty baseline for most committed relationships.

Here’s what I think is happening. You caught feelings quickly and went all-in emotionally. He caught feelings too, but his version of “committed relationship” looks different from yours. For you, commitment means regular time together, emotional investment, building toward something. For him, commitment seems to mean “we’re exclusive” but not necessarily “I’m reorganizing my life around us.” Those are two very different definitions, and neither is wrong — they’re just incompatible.

The tricky part is that he’s describing himself as wanting to keep things “on the casual end” while also saying he wants to stay committed. That’s a contradiction that’s creating all this confusion. You can’t really have both. Either you’re building something together, increasing intimacy, shared memories, and closeness, which all require time and effort, or you’re keeping things light and low-pressure. He seems to want the emotional security of your commitment without having to invest too much into it, and that’s leaving you both confused and starved for connection.

I know you mentioned that most couples you know see each other all the time, and you’re wondering if your expectations are off. While we should never compare our relationships to others — there are too many variables at play and so many things that go on behind closed doors that outsiders will never know about — I understand that it’s nearly impossible not to compare ourselves to others because we’re humans and humans evolved to be socially aware. We need to know what the herd is doing!

So here’s the reality: Your expectations aren’t off. Non-cohabitating, committed couples typically see each other about one to four times a week. (Of course it depends on the couple — some are far more independent or connect in other ways beyond just being physically together.) And if you’re spending the entire weekend together, I’d count that as two-and-a-half to three days together. At five months in — especially when things started so intensely — once a week shouldn’t feel like a huge ask. The fact that it does for him tells you something important about where his head (and heart) are at.

I don’t think he’s a bad person or that he doesn’t care about you. But I do think he’s being honest that he’s not as invested as you are, and you’re trying really hard to make that OK when it’s clearly breaking your heart.

You’re in this impossible situation where neither of you wants to break up, but you also can’t figure out how to make each other happy. That’s not a sign that you need to try harder — it’s a sign that you might just want fundamentally different things.

And that sucks. But it’s also OK. If you let it be.

If he’s already struggling to see you weekly at the five-month mark, I worry about what this looks like six months or a year from now. Relationships generally require more investment over time, not less. If he’s already feeling stretched thin, that’s worth paying attention to.

You deserve someone whose natural pace matches yours — someone who’s excited to see you and doesn’t experience your presence as a burden. That doesn’t make him a villain; it’s just a mismatch.

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but sometimes love isn’t enough if the logistics and expectations don’t line up. Sometimes letting go is the most loving thing we can do.

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