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Q: Thank you for your helpful columns, Rabbi. I don't recall where I heard this, but it changed my perspective on forgiveness. (And there have been incidents in my life where I struggled with what I thought forgiveness entailed.) The person said, "Forgiveness is giving up your right to get even with the person, when you have the power to do it." Suddenly it wasn't about saying it was OK, when it wasn't. It wasn't about making it like it never even happened, when it couldn't. It wasn't about having no negative emotions over the incident, which was impossible. It isn't about trusting someone who is no longer trustworthy. Phil Collins' song, "In the Air Tonight," has a chilling line: "If you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand." For me, now, forgiveness means I would lend a hand. Another helpful insight on forgiveness came from a very godly priest, who was one of my spiritual directors (I am a Christian). We were sharing a meal and in his prayer before the meal he mentioned my about to be ex-husband. Inside, I flinched. I was shocked when he looked directly at me and said, "Every time I pray for him, you block me in your spirit." I told him I wasn't to the point of offering forgiveness yet, that all I could do was ask God to forgive him for me until I healed enough to do it for myself. "That will do for now," he said. "Actually, it's what Jesus did from the cross if you stop and think about it." Again, thank you for what you share. – (From P)

A: Thank you, dear P, for your beautiful insights into the mystery and challenge of forgiveness. Let me lift up for special praise your belief that, "Forgiveness is giving up your right to get even with the person, when you have the power to do it." Forgiveness is thus the abandonment of revenge. However, let us be clearheaded about this. Wanting justice is not the same as wanting revenge. If a person has broken the law as well as broken you, it is spiritually appropriate to hope for and to seek justice for the offender. Revenge is different from justice. Revenge seeks to inflict pain on others to the same degree that it was inflicted upon you. The two elements of our culture that help to keep our desire for revenge in check are the law and God. By creating a system of laws, we distance ourselves from our corrosive passions to inflict harm on those who have harmed us. The other limiting power over revenge is God. The words of the Bible keep the vengeful elements of our nature from consuming us. The famous lex talionis, in Leviticus 24:20, “An eye for an eye…” can be read as preventing us from taking two eyes for one eye. Your most beautiful insight was your response to the priest,“I told him I wasn't to the point of offering forgiveness yet, that all I could do was ask God to forgive him for me until I healed enough to do it for myself.” You wrote that the priest said to you, "That will do for now.” I agree. You were lucky to meet up with such a good priest and I am lucky to have met up with such a kind and wise reader.

Q: My family is summering in Northern Michigan in a little town called Harbor Springs on Lake Michigan. I am reading the Palm Beach Post to keep up to speed about news from my home in Florida. I read your article about granting forgiveness. We have had a testing summer with family, and your writing really resonated with me. I shared it with my extended family as our daily reading. Thank you for taking the time to write it. Well done and I will pay attention to your column looking for more insights to be a better version of myself. Have a great day!

A: Thank you, dear R, for your very kind words. You are why I write and you understand the reasons. The pressing life issue is not how we can totally transform ourselves into completely saintly beings. Setting goals for our life that are completely unreachable and thus ultimately frustrating is a recipe for a spiritually frustrated life. On the other hand, if our goal is simply to make ourselves a slightly better version of ourselves, then we have a chance to actually succeed in making the small changes that add up to a spiritually generous and compassionate life. Good luck with your journey. I grew up in Milwaukee so I remember the sounds and smells of Lake Michigan and the taste of the very best smoked whitefish in the world.

(Send ALL QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS to The God Squad via email at godsquadquestion@aol.com. Rabbi Gellman is the author of several books, including “Religion for Dummies,” co-written with Fr. Tom Hartman. Also, the new God Squad podcast is now available.)

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