Q. My best friend’s husband passed away. She has been devastated and decided to join a grief group where she met a man who was also struggling with the loss of his wife. They hit it off, and although they each still maintain a separate residence, they stay together every night. They are both in their late 70s and were both married for over 50 years. It’s been less than a year for both of them. Here the thing I find confusing: There is memorabilia of their deceased spouses everywhere at both of their homes and neither seems to care. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. The answer to your question is in your last sentence: Neither of them cares. We all grieve in our own way and it sounds like they have developed a coping strategy that works for them.

Friends and relatives may not understand because their way to cope may be more conventional — and they may be younger, but in your late 70s after 50 years of marriage, one’s sensibilities change. Memories are extremely important. I have been told that pictures of a spouse have been up for so many years that their removal just adds to changes one must face after the death of their loved one.

I’ve worked with quite a few seniors moving forward after the death of a partner, and many have told me they don’t feel they must remove the memorabilia of one to move forward with another.

This does not seem to be true of those who are younger and have lost a partner. Although younger partners acknowledge the loss, once they meet someone, after an appropriate amount of time, pictures are not openly displayed in every room and clothes are removed from the closet. If children are still at home, memorabilia of the deceased parent is often displayed in the children’s rooms, but not in the parental bedroom when someone new sleeps there.

Many seniors see nothing wrong with continuing to keep their deceased partner’s clothes in their closet for years after their partner has died. Again, this may not be the case when someone younger loses a partner.

Studies tell us that those who have experienced a happy marriage are more likely to recouple after the death of a spouse. Marriage may not be their choice, but the desire for companionship is recognized and often given as the reason behind moving on quickly. This is often difficult for their children, particularly adult children, who may see moving on with another as possible betrayal of their deceased parent.

In these cases, honest communication is the answer, with an emphasis on not comparing or replacing the deceased loved one. No one can replace a deceased parent or spouse, but they can add to the deceased legacy by acknowledging their importance while creating their own legacy in the family.

As with everything in bonus families, it’s never either/or, but also. There’s more than enough love to go around. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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