Q. We are in co-parenting counseling and my ex will tell a story that is almost the exact opposite of what happened. She’s so wrong! I have the text messages to prove it! The counselor is our referee, and we have made no progress. How can two people have such vastly different perceptions of what went on? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. I’m dodging the red flags! They are waving fast and furious!

First, why are you surprised that your ex has a different perspective than you do? That’s probably why she’s your ex. Truth be told, perspective has a lot to do with where you are standing at the time.

That observation is more metaphorical than anything else. But point of view or where we are standing at the time is often why we hold the attitude that we do. You can say, “I saw it! I’m right!”

But did you?

Consider instant replay in football. A play can be determined as “good” based on point of view. That’s why there are multiple cameras on the field, so the play can be viewed from different perspectives and the call can then be made accurately. So can listening to your co-parent while "putting yourself in their shoes." (Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 7)

Second, “She’s so wrong!” implies you think you are absolutely right and that, in itself, suggests it’s time to stand back and take a look at YOUR perspective. If being right means more than putting the past issues aside in the name of your children, we’ve uncovered part of the problem right there.

When I hear someone say, “And I have the text messages to prove it!” it’s a good indication that person is a “right fighter” and the argument has morphed from a solution-based disagreement to arguing to prove their point. In other words, you are no longer discussing whatever brought you to the table. You are now arguing about who said what during the argument, and being right has become more important than anything else.

As you scroll through a litany of text messages to find just the right one to prove your point, you find yourself saying, “This is what you said! I have the text to prove it. I am right” when the original topic was something like, “What are we going to do since our child did not observe their curfew.”

How can any of that really help?

It's great that you are attending co-parenting counseling, but arguing about the past at length rarely improves your co-parenting in the present. I have found that reciting relationship war stories does not help co-parents learn to solve problems now. Telling those stories keeps you in those stories. And when you retell them, even to a counselor, it still conjures up awful feelings that don’t prepare you to move forward.

Finally, the big question: Do you think your kids care which parent was right and which parent was wrong? They love both of you. All they care about is that you stop fighting and that they feel safe in your care. That should be your primary concern, as well. Put your kids and their needs first. Find a solution together in their name. That’s what is right. That’s good ex-etiquette.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC