Q. My mother butt called me last night and I overheard her badmouthing my wife. She was having a drink with her best friend and going off. At first, I didn’t know what was happening, but then I heard my wife’s name, recognized my mother’s voice and I was ticked off. My mother loves my ex and hates my wife, and this was obvious on the call. I have never told my parents why we got a divorce — my ex cheated —because I didn’t want to ruin her relationship with my children’s mother, but this was too much. Should I confront my mother or just pretend I didn’t hear it? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. You must ask yourself what your goal in all this is and then shape your approach accordingly. If you want to sabotage your mother’s relationship with your ex, you can paint a picture of a betrayer and make your mother feel stupid that she has aligned with someone who may have deceived her, as well. If you want to salvage the relationship between grandmother and mother, you can approach it with honesty and honor.

It sounds as if you chose the latter first but now feel betrayed by your mother and want to defend your wife. This is understandable, but it doesn’t have to be either/or. You can stand by your wife and set an example for your mother.

When analyzing a situation using good ex-etiquette, we base everything on the best interest of the children involved. Knowing that, ask yourself what approach would benefit your children. Blowing this whole thing up will certainly get back to your children. They will then undoubtedly question mother about what is true, and who knows where that will go.

I feel honesty is the best policy. That is the reason I included Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 8, “Be honest and straight forward,” in the 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette. But I also feel that it may not be necessary to fill the kids in on every detail of adult shenanigans. If your children are younger, they will not understand what “an affair” or “cheating” really means. If they are older, they will, and again you must ask yourself how that information will benefit them at this time. Secrets like this rarely stay secret. The truth will eventually come out and hopefully by then all the adults will be able to offer them a guide for handling this sort of news.

If you want your mother and wife to be closer, you may have to tell your mother the truth but be the leader. Include an explanation of how you would like your family’s interaction to look in the future.

In other words, it’s not necessary to undermine mom and ex to go forward. Tell mom that. Explain what you heard and that you think her relationship with your children’s mother is important, but not at the expense of forming a relationship with your wife. If she doesn’t believe you and wants to question your ex, that is between them, but caution her to keep the drama away from the children until they are old enough to understand.

Approach is everything. Decide your end goal and act accordingly. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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