Q. I am the proud mom of two very active boys and a 3-year-old little girl. They all tell me they want to trick-or-treat with their father and me, but we have been separated for almost two years now. We live close by, and I’m willing to try, but I have to admit, just thinking about it gives me anxiety. It sounds like a great idea, but a lot to handle. How do you suggest we approach this? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. First, you must ask yourself why you are even attempting this? If your kids asked, that’s one thing. If you think it’s what you are supposed to do, that’s not necessarily true. I advise divorced parents to NEVER attempt doing something together with their children unless their relationship has evolved to the point that they can comfortably spend time together — then you only do it in the best interest of the children.

There’s a caveat to all this togetherness. Although it sounds like you have good intentions, if you get along too well, it will give the kids false hope of reconciliation. If you get along poorly it will cause anxiety and interfere with their ability to adjust after your breakup. Therefore, if the thought makes you uncomfortable, they will be uncomfortable, as well. You’re not ready.

This is when the “my time” arguments start: “It’s MY Halloween this year.”

In truth, it’s the kids’ Halloween, not the parents’. The kids are the ones who are trying to split their time and if the parents were acting like adults and wished to set an example, they would help them do it by looking for solutions, not fighting about it.

But I digress. If, after really thinking it through, you still want to go forward, here are a few tips to help make spending Halloween with your child’s other parent a more positive experience for your children:

-- Don’t force your kids to trick-or-treat in an area they are unfamiliar with because it’s “your Halloween and you want them to trick-or-treat from your house,” even if their other parent is present. Choose the neighborhood they are most familiar with so they can enjoy the evening with their pals. Trick-or-treating with your parents can be fun, but having your friends along makes it great.

-- Set clear boundaries for the place and time you will trick-or-treat and don’t change things at the last minute unless you can roll with the punches. Nothing upsets divorced parents more than the other parent being late or changing plans without consulting them.

-- Don’t use trick-or-treat time to discuss ongoing issues or attempt to problem solve. Spend your time enjoying your children. A holiday, particularly a kid-centered holiday like Halloween, is not the time for introductions. Don’t attempt to introduce your children to your new partner or your new partner’s children on a day that is set aside for family celebrations.

-- Stay flexible.

That’s good ex-etiquette.

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