ArcaMax

The difference between having a girlfriend and having a wife is the difference between boxing amateur and fighting professionally. It's the same sport, but, if you're fighting pro, the fights last longer, there's a bigger chance of getting hurt, and there's money involved.

That probably doesn't make you feel better about being married, but it should.

The aim of every real American male is to be a tough guy, and nothing is tougher than going 45 year-long rounds with the same woman. I'm 16 rounds into a title fight right now, and I'm feeling strong.

As the fight wears on, the two of you realize you're not so much fighting each other as you are fighting everyone and everything else, and you gotta stay up on your toes, and you have to defend yourself at all times, and you're probably gonna bleed.

Some of the commandments for a good career as a pro boxer are equally useful for the married battler. Don't drink too much. No drugs. Don't smoke. Eat right. Don't stay up too late. Leave the house early every morning and start running. If you make any money, try and save some.

It's also true that in football, if you get hurt, they take you off the field and send someone else in to finish the job. They don't do this in boxing, or in marriage. Well, sometimes in marriage another guy comes in to finish the job, but that means you've lost.

In between marital rounds is Valentine's Day when you go to your corner, collapse on your stool, get a drink of cold water and, if you're lucky, you get your shoulders rubbed a little bit.

Your corner is where your trainer tells you important things.

"Stay with him," the corner says. "Stay close."

"You're blowing it," famed boxing trainer Angelo Dundee once said to boxing champ Sugar Ray Leonard between rounds. Leonard went out for the next round and picked up the pace.

So, this Valentine's Day, listen to that voice. Are you blowing it? If you are, go back out and pick up the pace.

I'm writing this 10 days before Valentine's Day. Ten days is 10 minutes when you're training.

I've got a card on the way. Pros don't buy their Valentine's Day cards in the drug store. That's for amateurs. Pros buy their cards online, and we buy cards that pop up when you open them, so our wives see the two dogs from "Lady and the Tramp" sucking on the same piece of spaghetti. Sometimes, the cards light up or play music. You throw that punch in the early rounds; everyone knows you're serious.

As for the present, I'm on the ropes.

I couldn't find anything online, and it's getting too late to order now.

I can't get her perfume. She only wears one kind, and she's got half a jug left from the last time I bought her some.

Clothes are out of the question. Women's clothing sizes are a ball of confusion.

I have stood in a clothing store, pointed to a woman I'd never seen before, and said to the saleslady, "See that woman over there? The one in the yellow shirt? My wife's about that size."

Sure. Except your wife is a little bustier than the lady in the yellow shirt, and the lady in the yellow shirt has her mother's thighs, and your wife does yoga.

In other words, I'm blowing it.

I'm standing there, in the center of the ring with my hands at waist level, sticking my chin out, waiting for the knockout blow to come whistling in from nowhere.

What I got left is the annual Valentine's Day even at the Sunday farmer's market in our town. Goat milk soap. Vegan moisturizing products. What I call "rock on a wire" jewelry which they make by punching a hole in a polished rock and running a wire through the hole. If it's a long wire, it's a necklace. If it's a short wire, it's a bracelet.

I'll be fine. I'm always strong in the last few rounds. There's always the mall.

One last piece of marital boxing advice.

The hardest punch you'll take isn't when she tells you that she tells you she doesn't like the present you gave her. The hardest punch you'll take is when you watch her struggle not to say she doesn't like the present you gave her.

That punch will cut you.

To find out more about Marc Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.