Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Assassins do it from behind.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Continued below...

A doctor started an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount on money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out her pregnancy and have the baby over there.

"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she ...Read more

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this:

There would be:

* 57 Asians
* 21 Europeans
* 14 from the Western Hemisphere,
* 8 Africans,

* 52 would be female
* 48 would be male

* 70 would be ...Read more

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to ...Read more

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. ...Read more

... continued from above

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Continued below...

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Continued below...

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(...Read more

A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class.

The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing."

Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.

"Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.

"If Lincoln were alive today he'd roll over in his grave." --Gerald Ford (president, 1974-77)

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"A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a while ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist." --Ronald Reagan

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"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job." --George Bush