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Expressions For High Stress Days, part 9
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFreak you!
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Continued below...
Diagnosis
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear ...Read more
Too Much Analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, “Hello.”
The other one thought, “I wonder what he meant by that?”
It's All in the Nomenclature
Why engineers don't write recipe books.
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of ...Read more
Twelve Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."
Oscar Isaac Talks Frankenstein and Working with Jacob Elordi, Performs His 6-Year-Old Son's Song
Oscar Isaac talks about starring in Guillermo del Toro's Frankenstein and working with Jacob Elordi on the movie, then performs "Damn Tour," a song he co-wrote with his son for their band, Fleece.
Minooka, Illinois Community Calendar with Nick Offerman
Native Minookan Nick Offerman joins Stephen Colbert to promote some upcoming events in his Illinois hometown.
Maya Rudolph on Her Love of Madonna, Living with Teenagers & Henry Winkler’s Naked Cameo on Loot
Maya talks about idolizing Madonna, going to her Blond Ambition Tour in 1990 and being quoted for an LA Times article as a teenager, her teenagers giving her a hard time, whatever 6 - 7 is, her show “Loot” on Apple TV, and Henry Winkler making a naked cameo.
Late Night with Seth Meyers Audience Q&A: The Sea Captain
During a Q&A session with the Late Night audience, Seth shares how he came up with the Sea Captain character while filming Late Night from home during COVID.
Appliance Store - SNL
A man (Kenan Thompson) helps a couple (Andrew Dismukes, Ashley Padilla) buy a new washer and dryer.
Sen. Bernie Sanders - Harnessing Energy From "No Kings" Rally to "Fight Oligarchy" | The Daily Show
“It’s got to be a bottom-on-up revolution, not a top-down.” Senator Bernie Sanders sits down with Jon Stewart to discuss his latest book, "Fight Oligarchy." They talk about harnessing the energy of the "No Kings" rallies to build a clear vision for the Democratic party, prioritizing universal healthcare and affordable housing expansion, ...Read more
What It’s Like Being Married to Neil deGrasse Tyson - Key & Peele
Neil deGrasse Tyson has an explanation for everything.
John Cleese and Rowan Atkinson - Beekeeping
Hysterical sketch w/ Cleese as a beekeeping expert and Atkinson as a terrible television show host. Recorded live in 1981
Helen Mirren on Smoking And Differentiating Truths From Lies In Acting | The Dick Cavett Show
Helen Mirren and Dick Cavett discuss the difference in acting out a lie and telling the truth.
Weekend Update: Trump Frees George Santos, Young Republican Group Chat Leaks - SNL
Weekend Update anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che tackle the week's biggest news, like Trump telling reporters he’s not getting into heaven.
Lamb Doesn’t Want Cat On Her Rock
Florence the lamb doesn’t like any cat on her rock anymore
Chef José Andrés Makes A Philly Cheesesteak Like No Other
Friend of the show Chef José Andrés teaches Stephen Colbert to make a modern twist on an American classic, the Philly Cheesesteak sandwich. Try the latest creations from Chef José Andrés at his restaurant Bazaar Meat, open now at the Ritz Carlton New York, NoMad and the Venetian Las Vegas.
Computer Issues/Passwords, part 4
... continued from above
Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
OK, 1FREAKINGprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
OK, 1Freakingprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
OK, 1FREAKINGprettyroseshovedupyourbehindifyou don'tgivemeaccessrightfreakingnow
...Read more
Expressions For High Stress Days, part 7
... continued from above
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
...Read more
Windy
My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"
The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered,
"We take the rocks out of our pockets."
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