... continued from above

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Here are some of the humorous lines she received:

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY ...Read more

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc ...Read more

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three ...Read more

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu...Read more

... continued from above

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK...Read more

...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

...she sold the car for gas money.

...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

...when she missed the 44 bus, ...Read more

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this ...Read more

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You...Read more

There's quite an art to falling apart ....
as these years go by.
And life Doesn't begin at 40 ....
That's a Big Fat Lie!

My hair's gettin' thinner ....
my Body is Not.
The few Teeth I have ....
are beginning to Rot!

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub ....
Not Chanel #5.
My new Pacemaker's all ....
that keepin...Read more

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.

"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him ...Read more