Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were each given the following problem to solve.

A school dance floor included a straight line down the middle dividing the floor in two equal halves. Boys were lined up against one wall and girls against the opposite wall, each facing the centre line. They were instructed to advance in stages towards...Read more

~ On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission".

~ On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

~ Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

~ At a Music Store: "Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner."

~ On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

~ On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a min-u-et."

~ In a ...Read more

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to ...Read more

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.

"That's it! I can never remember that word!"

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save ...Read more

What's the first thing that a wizard does in the morning?
He wakes up!

What do you call a wizard who's black and blue all over?
Bruce!

Why do witches wear pointy black hats?
To keep their heads warm!

What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?
Hello gore-juice!

What do you get if you cross a river with an ...Read more

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men ...Read more

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the...Read more

"Did you hear about this? This is one of those only in California stories - elementary school students in Berkeley are receiving a class credit for 'lunch.' Since they learn about nutrition, lunch is now considered a class. See, that's when you know we're getting too fat in this country, when students are actually majoring in lunch!"

~ ...Read more

... continued from above

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer ...Read more

Steal a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ ...Read more

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."