ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a year ago, I met the man of my dreams, and he and I are planning a future together. I have a wonderful group of friends -- we are all in our 60s and 70s, and get together often for fun activities -- and I feel so fortunate that he and my friends adore each other. We have enjoyed many fun times with the group.

We joined three other couples for a potluck dinner and game night, which included a trivia game with categories arranged by generations. My partner is about a decade younger than I am -- a fact that most were already aware of, but apparently one gentleman was not. As this came to light in the course of the game, he made a reference to me as a "cougar."

To be honest, it took me a while to reconcile the age difference in my relationship, and I am a tad sensitive about it, so the remark did not land well for me. I managed a weak smile that hopefully did not show my irritation, but I'd prefer to never hear this term lobbed in my direction again.

This gentleman tends to repeat himself when he feels he's discovered a witticism, so it's likely it will happen. He generally means well, so I don't wish to embarrass him, but is there a way to graciously shut this down if I hear it again?

GENTLE READER: While it is kind of you not to want to embarrass him, he is not showing you the same respect.

Miss Manners therefore suggests that you turn that weak smile into something that does, in fact, betray your irritation, perhaps with a murmured "Not funny." Anything less seems only to encourage him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering about the best way to answer odd questions, such as, "Do you know about Harlem?" or "Did you ever hear of The New Yorker magazine?" or "How much do you know about the arrondissements in Paris?"

I find these questions condescending, but maybe I am too sensitive. Am I required to give an answer, or may I just laugh and ask the person to continue the conversation?

The answers to the above questions are: Yes, I know about the history of Harlem and even the Harlem Renaissance. Yes, I have heard of The New Yorker, and have had a subscription for a number of years. I know a good deal about the Paris arrondissements; I studied French in high school and I am an avid reader of French novels.

GENTLE READER: "I do know something about those subjects. To what specifically are you referring?"

Not only is this more polite, Miss Manners assures you, but if you are truly an expert in any given field, waiting it out will also afford you a greater opportunity to top them later: "I actually wrote my thesis on Baron Haussmann. Of course, you know that he was instrumental in creating the arrondissements ..." And then just watch their faces.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN