ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepson is a successful novelist. I'm reading an advanced copy of his new book, which is brilliant, but contains a neurodivergent character that doesn't ring quite true to me. (I'm neurodivergent, if that matters.)

In a recent conversation, I complimented him on his truly wonderful book, but when I tried to talk about this character in what I hoped was a light way, he said, coldly and dismissively, "I don't care what you think."

This hurt my feelings. Noting his defensiveness, I left the conversation, but afterwards his father and I fought. He thought I shouldn't have tried to discuss the book, just to praise it. He said I was being a jerk.

Was I? I think I'm owed an apology from both of them. But I know my social skills can always be improved.

GENTLE READER: As it is well past time to retire the offensive cliche "Does this make me look fat?" as The Most Loaded Question, Miss Manners recommends adopting in its place, "What do you think of my book?"

All authors crave discerning feedback. All authors also crave praise. The trick is knowing which to give when. Miss Manners finds it best to ask first, but has found that the former is best delivered before publication.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today I was in a frame shop selecting a mat and frame for a print. I am a graphic designer by profession, and a painter by moonlight (figuratively speaking), and thus have the world's pickiest color sense -- with the exception, so it would seem, of the clerk in the frame store.

I wanted nothing more than to peruse the mat and frame samples myself and take some time making my own decision. The clerk, however, was intent on selecting mat colors herself, while not showing me the many other colors in the book.

She was trying to be helpful, so I didn't want to appear unappreciative, but I really wanted her to leave me alone to decide for myself. I asked her if she would mind if I looked through the samples myself, and she gave me the sample book, but continued to hover and make unhelpful suggestions.

Hints ("Thanks, I'll just look through these for a while") didn't repel her. Was there a polite way I could have declined her advice and still gotten my print framed? Alas, it's the only shop in town.

GENTLE READER: When you asked for time alone with the sample book, the polite thing for the clerk to have done would have been to grant it. So Miss Manners has no objection to your acting as if that was what happened.

When she spoke up again, you could then have looked up in surprise -- as if you did not realize she was still there -- thanked her, and explained, "I'm going to just keep looking for a bit."

After a few repetitions of this, she would have lost interest and wandered off.

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN