ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In 2011, I had weight loss surgery. It was very successful, and I've managed to keep the weight off. Of course, a lot of people think I "took the easy way" to lose weight, but surgery is not a miracle cure, just a tool.

My best friend has a slight weight problem, or at least she believes she does. I sure don't see her as needing to lose weight. (And I sure don't judge people who are overweight, as I've been there and know just how hard it is.)

My current problem is actually keeping my weight UP where my doctor (not the weight-loss doctor) wants it. I'm only 5-foot-3, and I feel too heavy at the weight my doctor says is healthy.

What people don't realize is that it's just as much a struggle for me to gain weight as it was to lose it. I am VERY careful not to brag, or even talk, about my weight (although others will bring up how small I am). It seems to be OK for them to mention their own weight problems, but heaven help me if I mention that my doctor is not going to be pleased when I weigh in next week.

My friend recently snapped at me, saying she has struggled all her life to lose weight, and that she doesn't want to hear about me having to gain it. I just said "OK," and that I didn't see her as being overweight.

I decided to let it go, but it bugs me that everyone else can talk about losing weight, but I am not allowed to talk about gaining it.

For what it's worth, when I was much heavier, I would look at thin people and wish I had their problems.

GENTLE READER: So you do understand.

Instead of weighing (sorry) the relative inequities of who gets to talk about size and who does not, Miss Manners will tell everyone equally: Just stop it.

Nothing good can come from these discussions. And clearly, assuring your friends that you do not consider them overweight -- and therefore, that it is OK for you to talk about it -- is not the comfort you think it is.

Lead by example and do not contribute to these demoralizing self-assessments. Complain to your not-weight-loss doctor instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor/friend came over and said, "I made you a cake for your birthday, and it is also your gift." That would be fine, except she only gave me part of the cake!

Of course I didn't ask where the rest of it was. I was kind of in shock! Should I be upset that I wasn't worthy of the whole cake as my birthday gift?

GENTLE READER: Maybe she thought it was your half birthday.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN