Treat Housekeeper As An Employee, Not A Guest
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the polite way to treat a housekeeper in your home? For example, if neighbors or guests come over while she is there, do I introduce her?
Also, if I am serving my guests tea and cake, is it necessary to offer her something, as well? I'm not talking about a whole meal, but when I urge my friends to try the brownies I just baked, should I offer some to her, too?
It seems rude to ignore her.
GENTLE READER: Yes, but it is also rude to prompt her to act like a guest when she has a job to do, and to act as if she is your friend when she isn't, really.
Your understanding that she is not a piece of furniture -- or a robot -- puts you above many employers of domestic workers. But it might be helpful to think of the relationship in terms of white-collar employer and employee.
Had you planned a business meeting, even over drinks or a meal, you would not include a subordinate unless that person were actively involved. Of course, it feels different when it is in your house, but your helper's presence does not make her part of your social circle.
By all means, offer her those brownies, but do so before or after the event -- not when she is trying to get her work done.
Introductions should be made on a need-to-know basis: "Mrs. Rogers can show you where to go" and "Please see that Mrs. Whiffle finds whatever she needs."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine was driving to a restaurant, and I was following in my own car. He stopped at a stop sign for a long time. He later said he had been lost in his own thoughts.
Is it allowed to beep your horn at your friends?
GENTLE READER: What you need here is a half-beep: a short tap on the horn, which could have seemed accidental if your friend had looked around angrily -- or which could be interpreted as a friendly reminder.
In either case, Miss Manners suggests that it be followed by a humorous smile when your friend finally appears at the restaurant.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone says "You look nice today," it sort of implies that normally, you don't look nice. Saying "You are all dressed up!" says, "I see you and the effort you have made." It is acknowledging someone's intent rather than expressing a judgment on their appearance.
Perhaps a slightly better alternative would be, "I like your outfit today!" That acknowledges effort and gives a compliment without making it sound like they are usually dumpy.
GENTLE READER: Must you search for insults in compliments?
Granted, there is altogether too much sizing up of others' appearances, and not all of it is positive and disinterested. But Miss Manners has noticed that there is enough intentional rudeness around that you needn't parse remarks that are obviously well-intentioned.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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