Q. I’m wondering if I should attend my former mother-in-law’s funeral. I have had no contact with her since our breakup, years ago, but my children remained close to both their dad and their grandmother. According to my kids, their dad is pretty broken up by the passing and I am concerned he may not be much comfort to the kids (adults now) who have just lost their grandmother. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. There are a few ways you can look at the answer to this question. First, if you were still with your children’s father, it would probably be a family mourning, of sorts. Dad would be of comfort to the kids, they would be of comfort to him, and you would be there for both.

I see no reason why that should change, beginning with allowing Dad to offer strength and love to the children during this time of mourning. Sometimes our ability to stand up and be there for someone, particularly our children, buffers the pain we feel. Allow him that. It is not your place to run defense because you don’t think he will do his job.

Also allow your children to be there for their father. And since it sounds like you may not be experiencing the same sense of loss, make yourself available to all for strength and support.

It doesn’t matter how the breakup transpired at this point, short of domestic violence or something equally as damaging. (If that was the case, I question how close the children would have remained to their father.) Kindness in times of need transcends the past.

Some might say, “Wait a minute, you are no longer together, it’s not your place to offer comfort to your ex -- and if he has re-coupled it might be offensive to his new partner."

It could be, and I would tread lightly there. However, a card of condolence would not be out of place, nor would attending the funeral if you have the correct motivation. The correct motivation would be if your adult children asked you to support them and attend. Then I would inconspicuously attend assisting them in any way possible. That would mean you would sit with friends, not necessarily family, unless you had maintained a cordial relationship with their father. The goal is to be there for support, not call attention to yourself, and certainly not to offend former family members.

On a personal note, when my mother passed unexpectedly, my ex-husband, whom I did not interact with much at that point, was very present during the funeral. He was there for our daughter. He was kind, he sat with the family and was added strength for our daughter and my sister.

I had remarried and we did not plan for him to attend, nor do I believe he checked if it was appropriate to be there. But I was glad he was because it was added support for our daughter and it demonstrated firsthand how we can be there for people in times of trouble in spite of past differences—and that's good ex-etiquette.

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