Dear Anna,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, and for the most part, things are great — we’re even talking about moving in together. But recently, during a conversation about past relationships, he admitted he doesn’t find me physically “beautiful.” He said he thinks I’m pretty and loves my personality, intelligence and how great our sex life is — but when I asked if he ever thought I was out-of-his-league attractive — which is how he described his ex — he said no. I know he meant well, but it hit a nerve.

I’ve struggled with low self-esteem and body image my whole life, and something about that comment gutted me. Now I can’t stop comparing myself to his exes and wondering if he settled. I feel silly and hurt. I want to get past this, but I feel so stuck. Am I overreacting — or is this a real issue? — Feeling Massively Livid

Oh, FML.

I feel this one in my bones.

What you're describing isn't silly at all — it's profoundly human. We want to feel seen and cherished by the people we love. And not just for our personality or our sense of humor or our Wordle streak — we want to be desired. We want to be the Chosen One. The romantic equivalent of Luke Skywalker or Katniss Everdeen. Someone to look at us like we’re the best and most stunning thing they’ve ever seen.

Is this realistic? No. If we were all Daenerys Targaryens, then such specialness would cease to be special, and we’d all, I guess, kill a bunch of innocent people with our dragons. (Spoiler, sorry.)

Your boyfriend, for what it’s worth, probably thought he was being honest in a good way. Maybe he believed that emphasizing your intelligence and emotional connection was more meaningful than saying you’re hot. (Because, I mean, it kind of is, right?)

Maybe he thought saying you’re “pretty” was enough. But he missed a crucial cue — the question behind the question. This was not the moment to be clinically truthful. (Note to would-be boyfriends/girlfriends/partners: If your partner asks something that is clearly veiled as a please stroke my ego question, STROKE IT. Read the room, Steve!

It’s OK to want your partner to lie to you a little. Not about big things, but about ego-softening, soul-soothing things. We all want to feel like we’re the bee’s knees. The hottest. The best in bed. The “biggest.” Et cetera.

And when someone we love doesn’t say that — especially when we’ve been told our whole lives we’re not enough — it can feel like confirmation of our worst fears.

So no, you’re not overreacting. You’re reacting to an old wound being poked. This pain isn't really about your boyfriend’s comment — it's about years of internalized hurt, a self-image shaped by unrealistic beauty standards, and a very real belief that (especially for women) your worth is defined by how f—able you are. It’s not. It’s bulls—. But that’s not something a boyfriend can fully fix. That healing work belongs to you, and honestly, it might be time to do it with a therapist who can help you unpack and reframe those old stories.

But that doesn’t mean your boyfriend gets off scot-free. If he knows your insecurities — and it sounds like he does — then a little more emotional finesse is warranted on his end. Love isn’t unflinching honesty above all else — it’s generosity. It’s knowing when to tell your partner they’re beautiful because they need to hear it, and because you do find them stunning, even if that’s not the first word that came to mind when you met.

Talk to him about how this made you feel. Say: “When you told me I wasn’t ‘beautiful,’ even if you didn’t mean it in a hurtful way, it brought up a lot of stuff for me. I need to feel cherished in this relationship — not just loved, but wanted.”

You could even come up with a code word — Daenerys? Frodo? — that means “please sweetly lie to me.” If your boyfriend wants to know how to answer a vulnerable question, he can ask, “Do you want a real answer or a Daenerys answer?” It’s a playful way to build communication around reassurance, without pretending we’re all immune to needing it. Sometimes love means knowing when the truth can be muted, and when the moment calls for a, “Baby, you’re the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

And then notice what he does with that information. A loving partner doesn’t have to be perfect with words, but they do need to learn and grow. They need to care that they hurt you, even if it wasn’t intentional, and be willing to do better.

Give him a chance to show up better for you, and give yourself the grace to keep healing that tender part of you that still believes you're not enough. You are.

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