Dear Kid Whisperer,

How do you handle kids who steal? My son steals from me, from stores, and from friends and family. I have no idea how to give Learning Opportunities to him that are appropriate. He is 10.

Answer: Stealing tends to really freak parents out because it is often the first negative behavior that kids exhibit that is illegal.

Parents tend to love their kids, so it’s easy to overreact and worry that prison is in the offing if they lift a piece of candy from the store. Though it may be difficult, it’s important to remain calm. When we are dysregulated, we may say and do things we’ll regret later, and we want to avoid yelling and shaming, since these actions stop kids from learning anything.

Instead, here’s how I might handle your 10-year-old after some thievery.

Kid Whisperer: I noticed that there were $300 missing from my wallet, and I found the money in your room.

Kid: That money was given to me by elves.

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I don’t argue.

Kid: The elves said you wouldn’t believe me.

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. This is a tough one. I’m going to help you do some learning later.

Later…

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. You stealing that money from me is a problem, because right now I can’t trust that my things are safe when you are unsupervised around them. And I can’t trust that you will not steal other people’s things when I’m not looking at you. Do you have any idea how you might solve the problem?

Kid: No, frankly.

Kid Whisperer: Well, I’ve had some time to think about it, and in case you didn’t have an idea, I already came up with one. So that I and the rest of the world don’t have to worry about you stealing stuff, I’m going to monitor you until you show me that you can be trusted.

Kid: What will that entail?

Kid Whisperer: First, I have removed all stealable items from our common spaces here at the house, except for my bed and bathroom, and the basement, where you and your sister’s toys and game system are. In a few minutes, you can take any of the toys that you’d like to play with from the basement to your room. The game system will stay in the basement.

Kid: No fair!

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I don’t argue. Also, because I can’t trust that you won’t steal things while not being watched by me, you won’t be going anywhere without me until I know that you can be trusted.

Kid: What about my sleepover at Billy’s? What about going to Grandma’s? What about my trip to the amusement park with Billy and his parents?

Kid Whisperer: I just can’t trust that Billy, Billy’s parents and Grandma’s stuff would be safe with you around, so we’re going to cancel all of that.

Kid: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Kid Whisperer: When I go out with you, I will be right next to you, hoping that my presence will remind you to be honest and trustworthy and to not steal stuff. After some time, if I see that you are being trustworthy under these conditions, I will give you little tests. I will allow you to briefly go to the basement, or be in the next aisle at the store, away from me, just for example. If you prove that you can not steal for a good long while, I will allow you to start being places without me where you could steal. You will then be allowed to go to places, including the basement, without me for as long as you can not steal anything.

Kid: What if I do steal again?

Kid Whisperer: We’ll just have to come up with another, bigger plan for allowing you to practice not stealing. I’ll love you no matter what and no matter how many weeks, months or years it takes you to show me that that you can remember not to steal.

Whenever Kid is not actively stealing something (which will be always) we can reinforce the lack of the negative behavior: “I noticed you are being trustworthy.”

Not only does this plan give Kid a lot of practice at having self-control, it keeps everyone’s stuff safe!

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