Dear Kid Whisperer,

My two sisters and I were on a vacation with our combined six kids, ages 3-11. By the time we got to the airport to fly home, they basically all stopped listening to us. I tried to take control at the gate in the airport before our flight and loudly told them that they were not allowed to sit next to each other while they played on their tablets. Five of the six completely ignored me, and I just let it go. It feels like we’re not even in charge of our own kids at this point, and the flight home was horrible. Where do we even start to get control back?

Answer: I am so glad that you realize that this is a problem, and that you need help. You and your sisters have been training your kids not to listen or be cooperative, probably for years, so if you were to do the right thing to set and enforce a limit in the airport during your next vacation, it would cause massive tantrums and anger.

And that’s the first lesson: When you do the right thing in setting and enforcing limits with a kid, they will become frustrated. The frustration, tantrums and anger are necessary steps toward having healthy kids.

So, you’re going to need to train up your kids to be positive, pro-social people before your next vacation, since you’ll probably want to avoid a six-kid tantrum pileup on an airplane. Other passengers will probably want you to avoid this as well.

Obviously, you need far too many answers for far too many questions than can be given in this column, but you can get on the road to recovery by getting some answers here:

behavioralleadership.com/blog

Here’s how you can do one specific thing: teach your kids that when you set a limit, you will enforce it. Setting and enforcing limits in a calm and firm way is obviously essential for families to be functional and for kids to avoid developing personality disorders.

Here’s how to do it. Let’s specifically look at how I would teach your kids to be cooperative the next time at the airport gate, but let’s imagine this training session would take place in your living room, 11 months before the next attempt at exposing innocent bystanders to your kids in an airport.

Kids #1 and #2 are playing on their tablets.

Kid Whisperer: Feel free to use your tablets as long as you are using your headphones, you are being pleasant and you stop using them within 10 seconds of me telling you to put them away.

Kid (without looking up): Whatever!

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear.

Kid Whisperer takes Kid #1’s tablet.

Kid #1: Hey! That’s my property! You are stealing!

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. I don’t argue.

Kid #1 has a tantrum and is wholly ignored while Kid Whisperer locks the tablet in a drawer.

Ten minutes later:

Kid Whisperer: Time to put away the tablet.

Kid #2: I just have to complete this one level. It will only take an indeterminate amount of time.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear.

Kid Whisperer takes Kid #2’s tablet.

Kid #1: Hey! That’s mine! I will prosecute you! I will prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law!

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. I don’t argue.

Kid #2 has a tantrum and is wholly ignored while Kid Whisperer locks the tablet in a drawer.

If and when you give the tablets back, just repeat this process, if necessary. This will allow your kids to understand that when you set a limit, you will enforce it.

After all, limits that are not enforced are not limits. They are suggestions, and kids don’t do well with suggestions. They do great with limits.

The tablets should be gone not for days, not for weeks, but for months. In fact, if you are trying to raise optimally healthy, nice, interesting kids, they shouldn’t have had tablets in the first place.

You can read my column about that next week.

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