Dear Anna,

I've been dating my boyfriend for two months, and while he's incredibly kind and caring, I'm struggling with something that's making me feel insecure. He regularly makes comments like “we should go to the gym together” or “when are you going to start going to the gym?” He works out multiple times a week, follows fitness influencers, and tells me how going to the gym would help with my body insecurities and make me “look better.” He's also made subtle comments about things like body hair.

I run two to three times a week, but the gym isn't my priority right now — I'd need a trainer to feel comfortable, which I can't afford. When he reassures me that he likes my body as it is, these gym comments completely undermine that message. I want to work out to feel strong and healthy, not to fix supposed flaws or meet his expectations. I feel like he's trying to mold me into his ideal partner (probably someone more like the fitness girls he follows), and it's making me question whether I'm actually his type. How do I bring this up without sounding defensive? I know he cares about me, but these mixed messages are really affecting my confidence in our relationship. — Feeling Insecure To Not Endure Sumo Squats

Dear FITNESS,

Two months in and you're already walking on eggshells about your body? That's not the honeymoon phase anyone signs up for. Your boyfriend might genuinely believe he's being supportive, but impact matters more than intention, and the impact of his comments is making you doubt yourself in a relationship that should be building you up.

Here's what's happening: Your boyfriend thinks he's being helpful by offering solutions to insecurities that you never asked him to solve. But every “gym suggestion” is actually reinforcing the message that your current body isn't quite enough. No wonder his reassurances feel hollow — they're being canceled out by his actions.

This is actually a pretty common pattern with fitness-obsessed guys (and people) who unconsciously try to convert their partners into their hobby. It's not necessarily malicious, but it may signal incompatibility rather than genuine care for your well-being. The fact that he's making these suggestions just two months in is not my favorite thing — as this is very early to be pressuring you to change your body or habits.

To be fair, sharing fitness interests can be a really nice activity to do with your partner. You can motivate each other and be accountability buddies on days when one or both of you are struggling to get off the couch. My ex was a yoga teacher and, while not pushy about it, she clearly wanted me to do yoga. I eventually did and ended up loving it. When it comes from a place of “let's do this fun thing together,” it can be a great way to bond. But when it comes from a place of “let's fix what's wrong with you,” it sends a completely different — and harmful — message.

So. You need to have a conversation with him — sooner than later — before these comments chip away any more of your confidence. Be direct. Something like, “I need you to stop suggesting I go to the gym. I know you think you're being supportive, but these comments are actually making me feel worse about myself, not better.”

Remind him that you already exercise regularly — running two to three times a week means you're active! Like, in what bizarro universe does running not count as working out?? Tell him that if you decide you want to start gymming it up, you'll let him know.

Tangentially: You don't need an expensive trainer — there are countless free workout videos online, fitness apps and resources like exercise wikis that can generate personalized routines. Hell, your boyfriend could even help you if that's something you genuinely wanted. But the key word here is if. And it’s clear you don’t want to go to the gym.

So don’t.

You might also poke holes in his logic that gym workouts will fix your insecurities — it's completely backwards. Body insecurities usually stem from internal issues, not external ones, and working out to please someone else often makes insecurities worse, not better. (As you’re already experiencing.)

The deeper issue isn't about gym access or workout knowledge — it's that his comments are having the opposite effect of what he claims to want. If he truly wants you to feel more confident, he needs to understand that critiquing your habits (and your body hair) is not the path to get there.

Pay attention to how he responds to this boundary. Does he respect it? Does he get defensive and insist he’s “just trying to help”? Does he minimize your feelings or keep making these comments after you've asked him to stop?

At two months in, you have every right to establish boundaries about this stuff. If he can't respect them, better to find out now than two years from now.

You deserve someone who accepts you and makes you feel desired exactly as you are right now — not someone who sees you as a renovation project. Trust that feeling in your gut that's telling you something isn't right here.

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