ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A person I have known for many years has just been arrested and charged with horrific crimes. I would not say we were ever close friends, just cordial acquaintances. It seems likely this person will not walk free again for many years, if ever.

I want to reach out and write a letter to them in jail. What would be appropriate to say in a situation like this? "Hi, how are you doing?" seems inappropriately shallow and perky under the circumstances. "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?" would certainly not be polite. What would be reasonable?

GENTLE READER: "I was sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that under the circumstances, you are doing well."

Miss Manners commends you for your desire to reach out to this accused criminal. But perhaps you are emboldened by the fact that they are not likely to rejoin society anytime soon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While dining at a fairly nice restaurant, I overheard a lady try to attract the attention of the server by tapping her glass with a spoon. Loudly and often.

Is this a new custom, or just something my dear grandmother neglected to tell me was acceptable? She always lifted a gloved finger or simply made eye contact to get a server's attention.

GENTLE READER: It is not a new custom. This lady was just using it wrong -- which she undoubtedly realized when she failed to get the attention of the server, but had everyone else in the restaurant waiting for a toast that did not materialize.

So your dear grandmother did not omit to tell you this. Unfortunately, Miss Manners omitted to tell her that one does not wear gloves at the dinner table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For work, I fly often, usually at least once a week. I am a gentleman in my mid-40s, and am often mistaken for someone younger. My dilemma is how to handle co-passengers who are unable to lift their bags into the overhead bin, many of whom then look at me expectantly.

While I look fit, my constant travel schedule and squeezed-in workouts have left me with a back that can lock up pretty badly. I would defer to the flight attendants, but they are generally not any more helpful in this task than fellow passengers. (I believe some airlines have policies against flight attendants assisting with the stowage of carry-on luggage.)

When traveling with my mother -- whose comfort, of course, I would go to great lengths to ensure -- I was surprised when she scolded me for not helping other ladies with their luggage. But I have always been of the opinion that if someone can't lift their own luggage, they should check it.

How do I handle this situation without seeming like a person without manners? I am willing to sacrifice my back for my mother, but I can't accommodate every lady unable to lift her bag.

GENTLE READER: Become extremely absorbed in your book.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN