ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some time ago, one of my wife's nephews (a grown man in his 40s) came across an opinion I had written in a digital publication. He didn't like it, so he insulted me in the public commentary section. I shrugged it off.

The next day, he went hunting online for another opinion of mine he didn't like, and insulted me again so that all my family and friends could read it. He was beyond vile.

It took me a good 20 minutes to carefully construct a strong reply. I did not lower myself to his deranged level, keeping in mind that he was still my wife's nephew. I wanted all those who saw the insult to also see my defense.

However, when I tried to post my response, I couldn't, because he had deleted the insult minutes after posting it. (He later admitted his mom had told him to delete it.)

I decided to take a screenshot of the whole interaction before it disappeared, and then I posted it, with links, for his entire family to see. I embarrassed him.

He did not apologize. His mother unfriended me publicly. Some family members criticized me with indirect comments. Everyone else stayed silent, which hurt me more than the cowardly indirect comments.

No one stood up for me, defended me or even said they were sorry for the uncalled-for insults. That showed me I'm not part of this family. I'm not blood; I am just the in-law they can't stand.

That's fine with me. I can't expect the whole world to like me. I ended my relationships with all of them: No more time or money from me for holidays, weddings, baptisms or funerals across the country with my wife. I'm done with them.

My wife is hurt, but understands I was the one done wrong. I'm curious about your thoughts on the matter.

GENTLE READER: It is not Miss Manners' habit to rank whose behavior was worse. But if she were to prioritize who appears most deserving of sympathy from greatest to least, she would start with your wife, your sister-in-law, the other relatives, then yourself -- and lastly, the nephew.

Etiquette generally seeks to repair damage such as that done by your nephew. But depending on the specifics of what he said, that may never have been possible. Breaking up the family may have been the only likely outcome.

Nevertheless, you did lower yourself when you reposted the nephew's comment after it was removed -- and then went on a campaign of public humiliation. You were wronged, but once you piled wrong upon wrong, you put everyone else in an impossible situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely and firmly convey to an interested party that I merely want to discuss business, and am not interested in meeting for coffee or any other alone time that could be construed as romantic?

I feel that an abrupt "I do not drink coffee, but I will see you at the next official function" would not sufficiently discourage the interested party from inquiring further.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps not. But repetition will.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN