Q. Even though my divorce has been final for a year, I sometimes like to spend the day with my ex and the kids. Not taking the chance of her saying no, I put the children first and ask the kids how they would feel if I came along. They say it’s fine, so then I tell their mother that I’d like to come along, and the kids want me to. I can tell she’s not happy, but I’m trying to do what the kids want.

Recently she has stopped sharing when they are going on special trips. I think it’s to manipulate the situation because she wants the kids all to herself. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. First, I think you have misunderstood the concept of, “Put the children first.”

Yes, it is the first rule of the 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette, but you are using it incorrectly. You are supposed to use the best interest of the children as criteria for your decisions, but you do that along with their other parent -- not back that other parent into a corner because you have already spoken with the children.

If she says, “No,” who looks like the bad guy? She does.

Good Ex-etiquette suggests that parents inform each other when they take vacations with the children, but it is not necessary to inform each other of day trips when the children are spending time with you.

It might be a good idea, however, because if there has been discussion about the day trip and the children pass it along to the other parent, you will then be prepared with, “Yes, honey, your mother/father told me. I’m sure you will all have a great time.” Rather than, “Oh, maybe I can come along. Ask your mother/father for me.” Now you have backed your co-parent into a corner and made the children your messengers. Two definite no-nos in the world of co-parenting.

When you handle it the way you have explained, you put your children in an impossible situation. Rarely will a child feel comfortable telling a parent that they do not want to spend time with them. And if mom is not on board with all this togetherness, the tension on these outings will be obvious.

Multiple studies tell us that ongoing conflict after a breakup affects children in unforeseen ways, interrupting their psychological and emotional development and making it very difficult for them to adjust to the transition from house to house and the new lifestyle they must accept while living in two homes.

Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 9 is “Respect each other’s turf.” That easily translates into “Respect your children’s time with their other parent.”

If your co-parenting relationship has evolved to you comfortably going on outings together, that’s great. However, few achieve that goal after only a year and since YOU must manipulate the situation to get what YOU want, even though you are saying you are putting the children first, you are not.

Wait for an invitation. If it comes, great. If not, it’s your job to support your children’s time with their other parent. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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