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To the Engineer
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
In Court...
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I ...Read more
Colbert Before Air: Stephen Dishes with Julia Roberts About Evie and "Does This Taste Funny?"
Stephen signs over a copy of his cookbook, DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY? to Julia Roberts while hunting down an elusive banana bread recipe and sharing fun facts about his marriage to Evie.
Sir Patrick Stewart, Sir Paul McCartney & Sir Ringo Starr All Ran Into Each Other
Sir Patrick Stewart on how he, Sir Paul McCartney & Sir Ringo Starr all ran into each other in a restaurant.
Johnny Carson: Hilarious Phrases You'll Never Hear, Tonight Show 1989
Johnny Carson reads funny sayings and cliches that you'll never hear, on the Tonight Show 1989.
Twitter: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)
John Oliver discusses how an already flawed Twitter got worse under Elon Musk, how it continues to impact us all, and what it has to do with the 30-40 trillion cells humans are composed of. Or, wait, sorry, Twitter doesn’t have anything to do with the cells. It’s about our understanding of the universe. Maybe. You’ll just have to take that...Read more
Kumail Nanjiani: “Why Are There No Math Teachers at Hogwarts?”
Kumail Nanjiani wishes his experience as a transfer student had gone as smoothly as Harry Potter’s and explains why it’s difficult for him to come up with comebacks for racist comments.
Jerry Zezima: From Russia, with cable
If I had my own TV show, a sitcom like “Everybody Loves Raymond” that I would call “Some People Seem to Like Jerry,” the first episode would be about how I can’t work my own TV.
That was the sad situation when I had so much trouble with a faulty cable box that I wanted to fix it with a screwdriver. Unfortunately, vodka and orange ...Read more
Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is ...Read more
And Finally, This...
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge<...Read more
Christmas and Hallowen
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
I Differentiate You!
A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I ...Read more
For The Kids...
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ...Read more
Meanwhile... Fast-Casual Fatigue | Logan Paul's Pokémon Haul | Hidden Kissing Room | Ice Volcano
Meanwhile... Stephen reveals the reason people eat at places like Applebee's, Logan Paul made millions flipping a rare Pokémon card, couples are flocking to a secret "kissing room" in Grand Central Station, and a rare ice formation has emerged in upstate New York.
Magician Performs Saw Magic Trick | Penn & Teller: Fool Us | The CW
Alyson Hannigan hosts season 4 of Penn & Teller: Fool Us, as magician David Caserta performs a saw magic trick.
Kate Micucci's Filthy Songs SHOCK Conan & "Weird Al" | CONAN on TBS
Kate has to explain to poor Conan & Al exactly what the "God Loophole" means.
Gal Gadot Asks Jimmy Kimmel About Her Breasts
Gal asks Jimmy about something comic book fans have had a big reaction to and recalls the first time she tried on her Wonder Woman costume.
Mitch Hedberg Doesn't Like New York City Sandwiches | David Letterman
Mitch can't enjoy every sandwich. (From "Late Show," air date: 3/12/03)
New Bell Ringer
After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he ...Read more
Chess Playing Dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
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