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ArcaMax

Sixes and Sevens

Humor / Jokes /

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because, already, seven ate nine (7, 8, 9)!

Total Control

Humor / Jokes /

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that ...Read more

My To-Do List

Humor / Jokes /

The to-do list for tomorrow is so daunting that I'm putting off writing the to-do list til tomorrow, which means the first thing on tomorrow's to-do list is writing my to-do list. I feel like there's a tautology in there, someplace...

Think About It

Humor / Jokes /

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

* Be ...Read more

Little Johnny's Aching Side

Humor / Jokes /

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny ...Read more

Jerry Zezima/Jerry Zezima/TNS

Jerry Zezima: Sorry, wrong number

Humor / Humor Columns /

If Alexander Graham Bell, who is credited with patenting the first telephone, were alive today, he’d be:

(a) On hold.

(b) Getting relentless calls about his car’s extended warranty.

(c) Convinced that my new smartphone has a dumb owner.

The correct answer is:

(d) All of the above.

At least Bell has the good sense not to call me — and...Read more

Paul Simon Deconstructs 'Mrs. Robinson' | The Dick Cavett Show

Humor / Jokes /

Paul Simon discusses The Graduate and explains the hit song 'Mrs. Robinson'

Date aired - 4/9/1970 - Paul Simon

Jennifer Lawrence And Stephen Kick Off Their Shoes

Humor / Jokes /

'Red Sparrow' star Jennifer Lawrence has a drink, kicks off her shoes, and lets loose in this charming and freewheeling interview.

Frank Sinatra, Don Rickles, Olivia Newton-John - 11/12/1976 | Carson Tonight Show

Humor / Jokes /

Guests: Frank Sinatra, Don Rickles, Olivia Newton-John, David Janssen, Ray Johnson Original Airdate: November 12th, 1976

Elmo Drops A Trump Diss Track

Humor / Jokes /

Young Elmo goes full Kendrick Lamar.

Car Thief

Humor / Jokes /

Someone stole my car last night. But before I called the police I had a thought.

"The heck with it. Let them explain all the bodies in the trunk!"

Here's a Plan

Humor / Jokes /

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our...Read more

Bra Shopping

Humor / Jokes /

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

...Read more

Burglar

Humor / Jokes /

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the...Read more

Things to do at Wal-Mart When You're Bored

Humor / Jokes /

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares, "and see what ...Read more

Anti Jokes

Humor / Jokes /

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

Whats green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Fun Activities for the Pool

Humor / Jokes /

- Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

- Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

- Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

- Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

- Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

- Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed ...Read more

Breaking and Entering

Humor / Jokes /

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Look Different

Humor / Jokes /

A kindergarten teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

New to Baseball

Humor / Jokes /

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

 

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