ArcaMax

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other ...Read more

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing.

So their first ...Read more

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: I hope I didn't just see you looking at Harry's paper, Raymond!

Raymond: I hope so too, teacher!

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said.

"See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"

I will speak to almost any room about the miracle of local news. However, one annual event strikes fear in my soul.

Yes, I am talking about the Great American Teach-In. When requests to present at this career day roll around, I pretend as if my hearing and vision have simultaneously gone out.

For one thing, time in a classroom will remind ...Read more

... continued from above

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means...Read more

A man had tickets to Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final right at center ice. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

"Well, actually,...Read more

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's numbing cream during root canal work?

He wanted to transcend dental medication!

"The only time you can't afford failure is the last time you try." --Charles Kettering

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"We don't have user-centricity. Until we understand context, which is way beyond presence--presence is the most trivial notion of context." --Bill Gates attempting to explain his company's .net initiative.

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"Boy there's a lot of changes in ...Read more

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of power at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar ...Read more