ArcaMax

"Can I get an unsweetened iced tea?" I asked the server who brought me a glass of water. My husband was out of town, and I thought it would be nice to treat myself to dinner in a fancy restaurant I'd heard a lot about. I had put on actual shoes instead of Uggs for the occasion, so I expected good food and service to match.

"Oh, I just do the ...Read more

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.

"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him ...Read more

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.

One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and ...Read more

Q: What is a contingent fee?

A: A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your suit, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.

(Editors note: Our more sensitive readers may consider today's joke vaguely naughty)

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

...Read more

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran...Read more

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work."

I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

Doris.

Doris, who?

Doris locked, that's why I had to knock!

Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"