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For Whom the Toilet Paper Rolls
"Can you pick up some more tissues at the supermarket?" I asked my husband.
"I'm not going out right now," he replied. "Just use toilet paper."
I looked at him aghast.
"I can't do that," I said. "It'll scratch my nose."
"Does it scratch your butt?"
"No."
"Then why would it scratch your nose?" he asked.
"Hmmph," I hmmphed.
I shook my ...Read more
Funny Ads
These are advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country (or so we are led to believe)
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful ...Read more
A Truck Driver's Duty
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.
At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over ...Read more
Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer ...Read more
Straight to the Other Place
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hades?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
For The Kids...
Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!
Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel!
Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!
Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!
Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Don't take snow for an answer
Because I am a geezer with a heart condition, I’m not ashamed to admit that when it comes to shoveling snow, I am also a wuss, which stands for “wait until spring starts.”
To compound matters, I was born during a blizzard and have been perpetrating snow jobs ever since.
So in anticipation of a recent storm, my wife, Sue, a cardiac ...Read more
George Carlin | The Indian Sergeant | The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour
George Carlin performs his classic routine, The Indian Sergeant, on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour.
Driver tries to run over Kentucky snowman which had tree trunk has base
Driver tries to run over Kentucky snowman which had tree trunk has base
Kid Disappears In Brick Wall Prank - Just For Laughs Gags
Prank victims are asked to watch over a bad little kid. The brat decides to run off into a portable fireplace, and disappears through a what looks like brick wall. The panicked mother returns and goes into the solid brick wall to rescue him, while the confused prank victims don't know what just happened.
Uma Thurman Explains Quentin Tarantino’s Dildo Punishment | Late Night with Conan O’Brien
(Original Airdate: 10/9/03) Uma Thurman talks about her role in “Kill Bill: Volume 1”, her impressive height, and how Quentin Tarantino disciplines sleeping actors.
Samuel L. Jackson, Tobey Maguire, & Arcade Fire: Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis
Your favorite 'Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis', but the Happy Holidays Edition with Samuel L. Jackson, Tobey Maguire, and The Arcade Fire. Happy Merry Days!
Anniversary Gift
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.
When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends...Read more
The Shortest Books Ever Written
1000 Years of German Humor
Everything men know about women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who's who in Puerto Rico
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
...Read more
Devil to the Salesman
The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give ...Read more
Pizza Slices
A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."
French Fries
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
Stupid Criminal
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the ...Read more
Kangaroo Fence
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you ...Read more
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